Some how, I've managed to have a good day.... feeling happy, feeling good (sort of), mood is good... I'm pleasantly surprised.
Every now and then, I forget about my condition and my job and things seem nice. It doesn't happen often, although most people just think I'm so strong.
I'm really not all that strong, just prefer to live each day....
It's gotten easier with time, not to obsess on my disease every day, although it's tough when I take that cytoxan every morning...
I'm grateful today for feeling well and feeling mentally pretty normal.....
Peace
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
again with the sleeplessness
So OK, here I am again. Stress is not the word to use that describes how I feel lately.
So, I have clenched teeth which has caused me severe jaw pain, my shoulders seem permanently held upward towards my neck. My shoulders and neck are stiff as a board.
I'm mentally stressed. All these things have resulted in my ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE INSOMNIA.
I really have no more solutions to try... tomorrow I need to arise at 5:30 or 5:45 and drive 63 miles to my office and sit and be stressed to the absolute limit for 8 hours, only to repeat the 63 mile drive home to my place of bliss, the family home.
I must admit. I feel like this is my fault... the sane and educated me says this is bullshit.. this is not my fault.. It's a shame I've been pre-programed by my genes to be high strung (to be honest, I really don't know what this means, but I think it's me) and this really sux. I try so hard to get relaxed and it just doesn't happen naturally for me. I can't remember when I slept easily. Since High School, I've been plagued by this insomnia, my disease, the ever present ovarian cancer that will kill me, makes it harder and harder to relax and sleep.
It's very hard trying to keep up a good face when you know you have something that will kill you eventually. 5 years is what the research shows for a recurrent ovarian cancer patient. Although I try to stat positive since there are outliers to everything, it's hard when you don't see any particular improvement in your disease process. How do you justify, somethings are better and somethings are worse, as "stable"? But that's what they call it for "chronic" cancer patients. Very few people know my reality. I try not to utter the words 5 year prognosis to anyone. But now and then it slips out. It slips out daily in my mind. This may be having an impact on that constant inability to relax, sore muscles from the arm pits up, headaches, jaw clenching and jaw pain... gee do you think?
I'm gonna give it another try at sleep.... cannabis seems to have helped me feel in the mood to sleep, but jaw is still clenching... we shall see.
Peace.
So, I have clenched teeth which has caused me severe jaw pain, my shoulders seem permanently held upward towards my neck. My shoulders and neck are stiff as a board.
I'm mentally stressed. All these things have resulted in my ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE INSOMNIA.
I really have no more solutions to try... tomorrow I need to arise at 5:30 or 5:45 and drive 63 miles to my office and sit and be stressed to the absolute limit for 8 hours, only to repeat the 63 mile drive home to my place of bliss, the family home.
I must admit. I feel like this is my fault... the sane and educated me says this is bullshit.. this is not my fault.. It's a shame I've been pre-programed by my genes to be high strung (to be honest, I really don't know what this means, but I think it's me) and this really sux. I try so hard to get relaxed and it just doesn't happen naturally for me. I can't remember when I slept easily. Since High School, I've been plagued by this insomnia, my disease, the ever present ovarian cancer that will kill me, makes it harder and harder to relax and sleep.
It's very hard trying to keep up a good face when you know you have something that will kill you eventually. 5 years is what the research shows for a recurrent ovarian cancer patient. Although I try to stat positive since there are outliers to everything, it's hard when you don't see any particular improvement in your disease process. How do you justify, somethings are better and somethings are worse, as "stable"? But that's what they call it for "chronic" cancer patients. Very few people know my reality. I try not to utter the words 5 year prognosis to anyone. But now and then it slips out. It slips out daily in my mind. This may be having an impact on that constant inability to relax, sore muscles from the arm pits up, headaches, jaw clenching and jaw pain... gee do you think?
I'm gonna give it another try at sleep.... cannabis seems to have helped me feel in the mood to sleep, but jaw is still clenching... we shall see.
Peace.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Oh Well
Happy Halloween.
This year I'm dressing up as someone without cancer.
Actually, I don't have to dress up at all. Everyone tells me I look fantastic.... who'd know I had ovarian cancer.
Still on chemo-lite, which is a good thing I suppose... retiring soon.. should be a nice thing, but I worry... what if it's not a good thing. What if I go crazy with boredom and start obsessing on my disease like so many other people I've met.
I'm trying to be prepared, working as a volunteer at the Maureen Fund, volunteering at Gilda's club... several people have suggested other volunteerism that I think about. Kaleidoscope of Hope sounds great. A really radical group of Ovarian Cancer survivors, I have to check them out.
Today, I tried, as usual to be a partner to my husband as we work on remodeling our kitchen. It was simple stuff. Moistening the walls and removing a thin paper and glue from previous wall paper. Well, after about 1 hour, my left kidney stent went spazoid.. had to take some ultram and then sit for the rest of the afternoon. I'm a strong woman, always been able to lift, pull, drag, work right along side my dear husband.... this is hard for me... to watch my abilities slowly go away.
I hope I have to strength to stay focused after I retire to stay in a good place with plans and schedules that I don't blow off. It's soooo easy to get depressed and just sleep... that's my favorite thing to do. Sleep and dream... a lovely place to be.....sometimes I don't want to get up and face the reality that is my life.
Oh well, as Gilda Radner would say in her persona of Rosanne Rosannadanna, "it's always something." This is my life, whether I like it or not... I gotta keep the ball rolling in my favor....
Peace.
This year I'm dressing up as someone without cancer.
Actually, I don't have to dress up at all. Everyone tells me I look fantastic.... who'd know I had ovarian cancer.
Still on chemo-lite, which is a good thing I suppose... retiring soon.. should be a nice thing, but I worry... what if it's not a good thing. What if I go crazy with boredom and start obsessing on my disease like so many other people I've met.
I'm trying to be prepared, working as a volunteer at the Maureen Fund, volunteering at Gilda's club... several people have suggested other volunteerism that I think about. Kaleidoscope of Hope sounds great. A really radical group of Ovarian Cancer survivors, I have to check them out.
Today, I tried, as usual to be a partner to my husband as we work on remodeling our kitchen. It was simple stuff. Moistening the walls and removing a thin paper and glue from previous wall paper. Well, after about 1 hour, my left kidney stent went spazoid.. had to take some ultram and then sit for the rest of the afternoon. I'm a strong woman, always been able to lift, pull, drag, work right along side my dear husband.... this is hard for me... to watch my abilities slowly go away.
I hope I have to strength to stay focused after I retire to stay in a good place with plans and schedules that I don't blow off. It's soooo easy to get depressed and just sleep... that's my favorite thing to do. Sleep and dream... a lovely place to be.....sometimes I don't want to get up and face the reality that is my life.
Oh well, as Gilda Radner would say in her persona of Rosanne Rosannadanna, "it's always something." This is my life, whether I like it or not... I gotta keep the ball rolling in my favor....
Peace.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
so sick of bitching
I've kept from this blog lately because I'm sick and tired of only having crap news to write. But today was so crappy, I feel the need to document.
My story continues. I'm on chemo lite, Cytoxan oral every day and Avastin IV every 2 weeks. Although my current scans show increase in some of the cancer areas, it also shows some decrease in some of the areas where the cancer still exists. I have symptoms in my belly which indicate to me, that something is not right. Bowel changes, gas pains (never had these before), hiccups, burping, some sort of discomfort on my right upper quadrant and my mid upper quadrant that bother me.. a bit to close to some important organs, like the liver, pancreas, Gall bladder and my diaphragm.....
So I go on with my chemo lite as prescribed. Chemo regular has wreaked havoc on my body, took out my BP first, my skin second, my kidneys third (although this is really from the cancer), my energy ongoing, I have pain in my left knee from 2 cartilage injuries related to chemo, I have migratory joint pain from inflammation in my joints, on and on, .... but I struggle on through.
I still work full time... till Dec. 1, 2010 which is my first day on Medical retirement... I so wanted to make it to 25 years, but I'll miss that by 16 months... oh well, the docs say my stress and hours put out daily on the job are just too much ( between 11 and 13 hours a day and a 120 mile commute). So last week I heard that one my co-workers in what we call the cancer club... we have breast, ovarian, prostate, esophageal, more breast, another esophageal, bladder, peritoneal, cholangio, colon, more breast and most recently thyroid.
Today, I called my co-worker who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and just recently restarted on chemo... after being very ill from the chemo, she went to her MD... she also somehow developed a swollen foot. When the doc saw the foot they x-rayed it. Found 5 stress fractures. They think it's from all the synthroid medication she's been on. So now she's in a cast and cannot bear weight. Today, after more tests, she discovered that her cancer has spread to more lymph nodes, including the back of her neck and they restaged her as a stage 4......no one should ever have to hear that news, especially after being told about 5 months ago, she was cancer free on scans.
The world is not fair, there is no answer when you look for some reason these things happen to you. People talk about fate, about God's plan... I can't think in those terms. Life is a struggle, from the minute you jump out of the womb and take your first breaths, when you try and speak, when you try and walk, when you try and learn and when you try to stay in shape. When you try and find a mate, when you try to deal with young person angst and drama, when you get married and try to live with someone, when you have children or not for some who want them, when kids or spouses are sick, when parents age and need help, when they die, when family members make poor choices, when you get sick.
The struggle is life.... there's no way out of it.... you need to learn how to deal with the struggles to the best of your abilities. That's all you can do.
My story continues. I'm on chemo lite, Cytoxan oral every day and Avastin IV every 2 weeks. Although my current scans show increase in some of the cancer areas, it also shows some decrease in some of the areas where the cancer still exists. I have symptoms in my belly which indicate to me, that something is not right. Bowel changes, gas pains (never had these before), hiccups, burping, some sort of discomfort on my right upper quadrant and my mid upper quadrant that bother me.. a bit to close to some important organs, like the liver, pancreas, Gall bladder and my diaphragm.....
So I go on with my chemo lite as prescribed. Chemo regular has wreaked havoc on my body, took out my BP first, my skin second, my kidneys third (although this is really from the cancer), my energy ongoing, I have pain in my left knee from 2 cartilage injuries related to chemo, I have migratory joint pain from inflammation in my joints, on and on, .... but I struggle on through.
I still work full time... till Dec. 1, 2010 which is my first day on Medical retirement... I so wanted to make it to 25 years, but I'll miss that by 16 months... oh well, the docs say my stress and hours put out daily on the job are just too much ( between 11 and 13 hours a day and a 120 mile commute). So last week I heard that one my co-workers in what we call the cancer club... we have breast, ovarian, prostate, esophageal, more breast, another esophageal, bladder, peritoneal, cholangio, colon, more breast and most recently thyroid.
Today, I called my co-worker who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and just recently restarted on chemo... after being very ill from the chemo, she went to her MD... she also somehow developed a swollen foot. When the doc saw the foot they x-rayed it. Found 5 stress fractures. They think it's from all the synthroid medication she's been on. So now she's in a cast and cannot bear weight. Today, after more tests, she discovered that her cancer has spread to more lymph nodes, including the back of her neck and they restaged her as a stage 4......no one should ever have to hear that news, especially after being told about 5 months ago, she was cancer free on scans.
The world is not fair, there is no answer when you look for some reason these things happen to you. People talk about fate, about God's plan... I can't think in those terms. Life is a struggle, from the minute you jump out of the womb and take your first breaths, when you try and speak, when you try and walk, when you try and learn and when you try to stay in shape. When you try and find a mate, when you try to deal with young person angst and drama, when you get married and try to live with someone, when you have children or not for some who want them, when kids or spouses are sick, when parents age and need help, when they die, when family members make poor choices, when you get sick.
The struggle is life.... there's no way out of it.... you need to learn how to deal with the struggles to the best of your abilities. That's all you can do.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
this is what it is all about
So OK, I"m typing without eyes tonight. I"m gonna reread it and alter to see all the mistakes and try to correct them, but essentially I'm blind. Got no contact's in and can't see a blumming thing.
I"m feeling really stresed out lately and can't figure aout what
hoat exactely what's goin gon,. I anca usually g;iigure out what the stimulus is, but for some reason this is not working out for me this time. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, and I don't know why. I can usually pinpoint the reason for my lack of sleep. The lack of ability to turn my brain off and sleep, but for naught now. I haven't slept for 3 nights in a full capacity and it's making me crazy. I need sleep and when I know what's up I can work through it, but when I don't know what's up, it's impossible to figure what to do.
I"m stifled and at a loss.... don't know what to do. I do know some issues that are troubling me a bit, but not enough to make me crazy.. maybe I need to rethink that.
confused, J
I"m feeling really stresed out lately and can't figure aout what
hoat exactely what's goin gon,. I anca usually g;iigure out what the stimulus is, but for some reason this is not working out for me this time. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, and I don't know why. I can usually pinpoint the reason for my lack of sleep. The lack of ability to turn my brain off and sleep, but for naught now. I haven't slept for 3 nights in a full capacity and it's making me crazy. I need sleep and when I know what's up I can work through it, but when I don't know what's up, it's impossible to figure what to do.
I"m stifled and at a loss.... don't know what to do. I do know some issues that are troubling me a bit, but not enough to make me crazy.. maybe I need to rethink that.
confused, J
Thursday, June 3, 2010
yayayayayaya
Tests good
Crit better
BUN better
Cancer Markers down 42 points
yayayayayayayaya
MOOD MUCH BETTER
Crit better
BUN better
Cancer Markers down 42 points
yayayayayayayaya
MOOD MUCH BETTER
Monday, May 31, 2010
It's been a long time
Well, haven't felt the need to do much writing lately.... on chemo holiday... so many good things to do. Eat sushi, get tattoos, eat raw oysters and clams... so good. But all things must come to an end and my chemo holiday ended with a big bang.
Torn medial meniscus
Dented cartilage
kidney failures
New spots on my pet scan
High cancer markers
so again.. cancer What The Fuck.
So, need to get the knee fixed since I walk like a 90 year old.
Can't do that because the kidneys are really acting up and not filtering correctly.
So, need more chemo, but have to be really cautious because of the kidney issues.
2 weeks ago, I had stents placed into both my kidneys... I was zoinked from general anesthesia for a week, now feel like I have a constant bladder infection, that seems to be improving slightly at this point.
I'm on a daily dose of cytoxan now and avastin every 2 weeks.... hopefully that will do something to this cancer.... at least keep it in check. But unfortunately, along with that comes the fatigue and listlessness.
I suppose in the long run, I'm lucky. I still have options, even if they're not the ones I want.
I could have ended up with nephrostomy tubes, that's when they bring the tubes from your kidneys out of your back... really an unappealing thing for me.
Hopefully, the stents will do their job, my kidneys will improve, believe it or not, the cancer drug cytoxan has had a + effect on my knee??? Go figure.
Now's the time to work on the attitude and keep it up... it's not that easy at this point, but I try and think of the + things in my life each morning before rising. That helps me to remain focused on the good things rather than the crap.
This weekend was Jo's daughter's wedding. It was a beautiful event with lots of love and joy all around...had a bit of a hangover, but just like my cousin Mark taught me, you have to honor the hangover, laugh through it.... remember how you got it and just smile and laugh through your stupid moments......
On to happier days ahead, with better control of my health. I'm hoping to take a medical retirement in December, 2010. Maybe then I can do some things that will make my soul feel good along with my body.
Peace.
Torn medial meniscus
Dented cartilage
kidney failures
New spots on my pet scan
High cancer markers
so again.. cancer What The Fuck.
So, need to get the knee fixed since I walk like a 90 year old.
Can't do that because the kidneys are really acting up and not filtering correctly.
So, need more chemo, but have to be really cautious because of the kidney issues.
2 weeks ago, I had stents placed into both my kidneys... I was zoinked from general anesthesia for a week, now feel like I have a constant bladder infection, that seems to be improving slightly at this point.
I'm on a daily dose of cytoxan now and avastin every 2 weeks.... hopefully that will do something to this cancer.... at least keep it in check. But unfortunately, along with that comes the fatigue and listlessness.
I suppose in the long run, I'm lucky. I still have options, even if they're not the ones I want.
I could have ended up with nephrostomy tubes, that's when they bring the tubes from your kidneys out of your back... really an unappealing thing for me.
Hopefully, the stents will do their job, my kidneys will improve, believe it or not, the cancer drug cytoxan has had a + effect on my knee??? Go figure.
Now's the time to work on the attitude and keep it up... it's not that easy at this point, but I try and think of the + things in my life each morning before rising. That helps me to remain focused on the good things rather than the crap.
This weekend was Jo's daughter's wedding. It was a beautiful event with lots of love and joy all around...had a bit of a hangover, but just like my cousin Mark taught me, you have to honor the hangover, laugh through it.... remember how you got it and just smile and laugh through your stupid moments......
On to happier days ahead, with better control of my health. I'm hoping to take a medical retirement in December, 2010. Maybe then I can do some things that will make my soul feel good along with my body.
Peace.
Monday, May 24, 2010
it's been a long time
So, I was on haliday from chemo for 8 months.... happy months... didnt' write a thing I dont' think... now here I am again.... CA125 102, not good. Kidneys acting all fucked up.... now have stents that are causing me PAIN....... routine meds do nto help the pain if you get my drift..... I"m at a sad place in my treatment. The docs say the stents and pain are individualized in how long the pain can last. HAVE ANY OF YOU HAD A BAD BLADDER INFECTION??? This is like one that won't go away.... total bummer.
They gave my pyridium and Levaquin.... neither helped the pain... I forced fluids, still pain, just when you finishing peeing, like a novice at sexual adventure... it feels like the worst honeymoon cystitis I have ever experienced or any bladder infection for that mater... somebody help me please..... I can only hope this last less time from when i have to have them replaced in 2 to 3 months.... This sucks.
Jeanne
They gave my pyridium and Levaquin.... neither helped the pain... I forced fluids, still pain, just when you finishing peeing, like a novice at sexual adventure... it feels like the worst honeymoon cystitis I have ever experienced or any bladder infection for that mater... somebody help me please..... I can only hope this last less time from when i have to have them replaced in 2 to 3 months.... This sucks.
Jeanne
Friday, April 16, 2010
a hard week
waiting for results.... stressful on everyone.... but mostly stressful on me....why am I in this predicatment.... why do I have daily stress on top of all this shit related to my disease. I can't manage now.... I NEED A BREAK!!!!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
my family
I dont' know where I'd be without my family. They help support me, they see me, they offer to help me and my foundations..... they are soooo good. What would life be like without a husband, sons and daughter in law who treat me so kindly... I'm glad I do not know.
It's been a while since I was diagnosed, but I"m not further into what's going to happen to me than I was when I was first diagnosed. I'm begining to think I really don't care... things will happen or they won't... just let me get through the days, weeks and months and I"ll be happy. I don't think work will be in my future for much longer.... I"m tired... I"m stressed... I have bone and joint pain that's killing me and can't be rectified... I don't tolerate the meds.... something will have to change and I think it will have to change soon.
This evening I spoke to my immediate family about a trip they have been trying to plan for 2011 for quite a few years. Scotland. Maybe London as a start and end place..... It's nice to think about the future and make these kinds of plans... I hope the univers agrees to let me do it.... I really really would love to.
Other than that, started acupuncture this weekend... nice doc, Dr. Insung Park... lovely and gentle man.... he has my long and crazy history.. I want help with depression, anxiety and the pain I have in my joints and bones and muscles. I have felt very relaxed since my first session, he want's to see my twice a week for now... I'll concentrate on how it is effecting me. Got to see and ortho doc about my knees, mostly the left knee... mondo pain in there???? NO injury.... what have I done to deserve this??? I don't think there is an answer... I"m going to start reading about suffering by the great philosophers and see what has been said in the past.
Well, good night and Peace,
Jeanne
It's been a while since I was diagnosed, but I"m not further into what's going to happen to me than I was when I was first diagnosed. I'm begining to think I really don't care... things will happen or they won't... just let me get through the days, weeks and months and I"ll be happy. I don't think work will be in my future for much longer.... I"m tired... I"m stressed... I have bone and joint pain that's killing me and can't be rectified... I don't tolerate the meds.... something will have to change and I think it will have to change soon.
This evening I spoke to my immediate family about a trip they have been trying to plan for 2011 for quite a few years. Scotland. Maybe London as a start and end place..... It's nice to think about the future and make these kinds of plans... I hope the univers agrees to let me do it.... I really really would love to.
Other than that, started acupuncture this weekend... nice doc, Dr. Insung Park... lovely and gentle man.... he has my long and crazy history.. I want help with depression, anxiety and the pain I have in my joints and bones and muscles. I have felt very relaxed since my first session, he want's to see my twice a week for now... I'll concentrate on how it is effecting me. Got to see and ortho doc about my knees, mostly the left knee... mondo pain in there???? NO injury.... what have I done to deserve this??? I don't think there is an answer... I"m going to start reading about suffering by the great philosophers and see what has been said in the past.
Well, good night and Peace,
Jeanne
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A month without Dr.s
So, for the first time since I was diagnosed, I had my first Hackensack University Medical Center visit, without having to see my doctor. Being off chemo, "on holiday" for the last 8 months has certainly been nice..... A month free from a conversation with my doctor, although, i love my doctor and love to see and talk to her...for the first time in so long was very weird, but good. Today, I went in and said.. I don't need to see the doc, or have my vital signs taken, or have a finger stick blood test... all I have to do is get my port flushed! It was nice. I went directly back to the infusion center where the lovely chemo nurses I've become so fond of said hi, where have I been, what's been going on...
My nurse Peggy came to flush me... she forgot some tubes for blood tests, had to go get them.. forgot the scrubber for my port site, went to get that... another nurse who cared for me in the past came and got a tattoo update.. she lives in Kearny somewhere, but I have yet to meet her anywhere.... they checked out my tattoos, did the port flush and I said quite calmly after my dear Peggy forgot all her equipment.. don't worry I'm a nurse, I'm self care..... lots of laughs there... nurses said they missed me, always get a good smile and laugh when I'm there.
Sad note, we talked about my dear Susan the midwife I met at Gilda's who died just before the holidays after ceasing treatment. She fought for so many years to stay alive..many chemos.. many treatments. We had some common areas. She was a nurse, a brilliant nurse midwife... really smart and into women's health... I loved her zest for helping women with no means to manage their female health issues. She worked with the poor. Then we talked about Audrey, who died last summer, she was so helpful, like Susan in helping me through the early stages of my cancer diagnosis. I miss them so much.... the team at HUMC also missed them and we talked about their strength and perseverance through many years of treatment, just to keep them alive... not to cure them.
Sound familiar... it's my story, wrapped into 2 other lives... I hope I beat the odds that have gone before me.....
We wish and we pray everyday.
Peace,
My nurse Peggy came to flush me... she forgot some tubes for blood tests, had to go get them.. forgot the scrubber for my port site, went to get that... another nurse who cared for me in the past came and got a tattoo update.. she lives in Kearny somewhere, but I have yet to meet her anywhere.... they checked out my tattoos, did the port flush and I said quite calmly after my dear Peggy forgot all her equipment.. don't worry I'm a nurse, I'm self care..... lots of laughs there... nurses said they missed me, always get a good smile and laugh when I'm there.
Sad note, we talked about my dear Susan the midwife I met at Gilda's who died just before the holidays after ceasing treatment. She fought for so many years to stay alive..many chemos.. many treatments. We had some common areas. She was a nurse, a brilliant nurse midwife... really smart and into women's health... I loved her zest for helping women with no means to manage their female health issues. She worked with the poor. Then we talked about Audrey, who died last summer, she was so helpful, like Susan in helping me through the early stages of my cancer diagnosis. I miss them so much.... the team at HUMC also missed them and we talked about their strength and perseverance through many years of treatment, just to keep them alive... not to cure them.
Sound familiar... it's my story, wrapped into 2 other lives... I hope I beat the odds that have gone before me.....
We wish and we pray everyday.
Peace,
Friday, February 12, 2010
winter chills
I love the winter. I love the cold. I love the wind when it's freezing. I love white blindness on sunny days after the BIG snow. I love watching icicles melt in the sunshine. I love to hear kids playing in the snow. I love thinking about my childhood when the snow was up to my chin. I loved to make tunnels in the snow when I was small. I loved the time we tried to make an igloo, it didn't work, but it was fun. I love the quiet after a big snow storm, no one is out, no cars, sound is stunted by the snow. I love to watch a cardinal flying across the yard when the snow covers everything else. I love coming into the house and getting warmed up with some hot chocolate or some whiskey after being out in the cold.
I love all these things in winter.
But I hate to shovel.
Peace
I love all these things in winter.
But I hate to shovel.
Peace
Saturday, February 6, 2010
sleepless
So it's late, I've had a great day.. I had dinner out with friends and good communication and conversation.. so why cant' I sleep now. Jon says it's cuz I sleep till 1 on weekends, but I need that sleep like a human needs water.... now all I want to do is sleep, but it eludes me.. brain won't shut off like it should... even with sleep med.
Took a half more and we'll see what happens.
My brain is disfunctional since before I had cancer where it relates to sleep. Now I"m just screwed when it comes to sleep. My mind is totally in control... I'm not crazy about that.
Peace and sweet dreams to all of you who can sleep well.
Jeanne
Took a half more and we'll see what happens.
My brain is disfunctional since before I had cancer where it relates to sleep. Now I"m just screwed when it comes to sleep. My mind is totally in control... I'm not crazy about that.
Peace and sweet dreams to all of you who can sleep well.
Jeanne
Monday, February 1, 2010
sore
So, here I am again... off chemo for like 7+ months and I'm still suffering from these joint pains. I can't take meds like ibuprofen, naproxyn or celebrex, all make the BP go crazy.... Tylenol is just not good for the chemo liver... so here I sit... trying to get so tired I can't keep my eyes open so I can sleep through the discomfort and get some rest.....just played scrabble, 2 games, against a computer... tied one, won one.... beginner status. OH well. Will try again to sleep, got to get up in 5:45 hours.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
cancer sucks
Every day I get reminded of how much cancer sucks. Yesterday while I was attending to the needs of my sister who was having her shoulder replaced in NY I looked around the room. People from every direction there to have some sort of orthopedic surgery by the best docs in the country.
When I went to get my car out of the parking lot, a woman who I had seen in the Atrium waiting area with her family approached me and asked about my ribbon tattoo. I told her I had ovarian cancer and that this was teal colored ribbon for ovarian cancer. I showed her the Eye of Protection tattooed above it. She then proceeded to show me her green wrist band and a tattoo of her a rose and her husbands name on her ankle. She said he had kidney cancer and green was the color of the ribbon that represents kidney cancer. As she was getting into her car with her sister or a friend, I asked how her husband was doing.... she replied, "oh, he died. He fought the battle for 10 years, but passed away." I looked at her as only a cancer patient or survivor can, with a look that only comes out with this kind of empathy and told her how sorry I was. She looked so young, maybe late 30s.... probably had some kids... she was driving a big vehicle... I welled up as she drove away.
Cancer sucks, it takes advantage of everyone and holds no prisoners.
Cancer hurts babies, children, young adults, women, men, rich people, poor people, healthy active people who take care of themselves, people who don't take care of themselves, black people, white people, Asian people, Indians from every continent, people in the city or the country or on islands or in deserts, blond haired blue eyed people, dark haired dark eyed people, people with are emotionally strong, people who are emotionally weak, single people, married people, people with kids, fat people, skinny people, people who smoke or don't smoke, the list goes on and on.
It always makes me think of these trucks I see on my lengthy commutes that say either... stay healthy, eat more fish, or stay healthy, eat more chicken.... me thinks that's a lot of bull shit.
Peace
When I went to get my car out of the parking lot, a woman who I had seen in the Atrium waiting area with her family approached me and asked about my ribbon tattoo. I told her I had ovarian cancer and that this was teal colored ribbon for ovarian cancer. I showed her the Eye of Protection tattooed above it. She then proceeded to show me her green wrist band and a tattoo of her a rose and her husbands name on her ankle. She said he had kidney cancer and green was the color of the ribbon that represents kidney cancer. As she was getting into her car with her sister or a friend, I asked how her husband was doing.... she replied, "oh, he died. He fought the battle for 10 years, but passed away." I looked at her as only a cancer patient or survivor can, with a look that only comes out with this kind of empathy and told her how sorry I was. She looked so young, maybe late 30s.... probably had some kids... she was driving a big vehicle... I welled up as she drove away.
Cancer sucks, it takes advantage of everyone and holds no prisoners.
Cancer hurts babies, children, young adults, women, men, rich people, poor people, healthy active people who take care of themselves, people who don't take care of themselves, black people, white people, Asian people, Indians from every continent, people in the city or the country or on islands or in deserts, blond haired blue eyed people, dark haired dark eyed people, people with are emotionally strong, people who are emotionally weak, single people, married people, people with kids, fat people, skinny people, people who smoke or don't smoke, the list goes on and on.
It always makes me think of these trucks I see on my lengthy commutes that say either... stay healthy, eat more fish, or stay healthy, eat more chicken.... me thinks that's a lot of bull shit.
Peace
Thursday, January 21, 2010
later on the big day
So things went' well today.. to a degree.
BP issues are from Celebrex and I can no longer take that.. so migratory joint pain will have to be tolerated to a degree or I have to find something to address that. Not quite ready to get onto narcs just yet.
TUMOR MARKERS ARE DOWN 5 POINTS!!! Don't know why.. but I'm glad.
Celebrex also seems to have done a number on my kidneys... so they're following creatinine closely.
Don't need to see my onco for 2 months. This is a first.... since I was diagnosed in April 2007!!
My cholesterol, which went crazy about a month ago, responded well to Lipitor and my liver enzymes, which were high from chemo etc... are normal...
Good and bad news mixed together... I can try and handle that for a while.
Goodnight world.
Peace
BP issues are from Celebrex and I can no longer take that.. so migratory joint pain will have to be tolerated to a degree or I have to find something to address that. Not quite ready to get onto narcs just yet.
TUMOR MARKERS ARE DOWN 5 POINTS!!! Don't know why.. but I'm glad.
Celebrex also seems to have done a number on my kidneys... so they're following creatinine closely.
Don't need to see my onco for 2 months. This is a first.... since I was diagnosed in April 2007!!
My cholesterol, which went crazy about a month ago, responded well to Lipitor and my liver enzymes, which were high from chemo etc... are normal...
Good and bad news mixed together... I can try and handle that for a while.
Goodnight world.
Peace
jeanne's big day
So in a few minutes, I'll be off to the medical doctor, cuz my BP is screaming high..... WTF now.... have tried increasing fluids, avoiding salt, taking xanax as prescribed.... nuthin.... so I'll see what the medical doc has in store for me now.
Then, it's a little jump over to the cancer center for a check up and port flush......
I'll be happy to get the BP under control... it causes such a headache, not liking it one bit.
Well, tomorrow is Friday, my sister is having her shoulder replaced in NYC and so I'll be over yonder for the day and into the evening.....She seems pretty calm at the moment, we'll see.
Here's looking for a fairly good weekend.. is it possible?
Then, it's a little jump over to the cancer center for a check up and port flush......
I'll be happy to get the BP under control... it causes such a headache, not liking it one bit.
Well, tomorrow is Friday, my sister is having her shoulder replaced in NYC and so I'll be over yonder for the day and into the evening.....She seems pretty calm at the moment, we'll see.
Here's looking for a fairly good weekend.. is it possible?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
so insomnia strikes again
Here it is half past 12 in the night... again I'm at the computer unable to sleep. I took 1/3 of my sleeping pill so I'll be able to wake up in the morning.
Saw my surgical oncologist today... he agrees with the oncologist to remain off chemo for 2 + more months and get re-scanned. I'm in agreement.. but of course I"m quite scared about this, new areas, albeit small, have shown up.....
I guess there's just some times you have to give it up to the experts. I can't think any more.
I wish I had something in my life, besides my family and friends that was positive.
I hope I can sleep when I return to the bed... it's got to be partially psychological.... I feld tired as could be... then up to bed and NO SLEEP. It really sucks. I hope this will pass.
Peace, Jeanne
Saw my surgical oncologist today... he agrees with the oncologist to remain off chemo for 2 + more months and get re-scanned. I'm in agreement.. but of course I"m quite scared about this, new areas, albeit small, have shown up.....
I guess there's just some times you have to give it up to the experts. I can't think any more.
I wish I had something in my life, besides my family and friends that was positive.
I hope I can sleep when I return to the bed... it's got to be partially psychological.... I feld tired as could be... then up to bed and NO SLEEP. It really sucks. I hope this will pass.
Peace, Jeanne
Sunday, January 10, 2010
this weekend
So, Friday I made it to the beautiful age of 55. Lovin it!! Each year, month, day that I have here with my husband, family and friends makes it all worth while. I've said that my life is an open book, with each day written in the time it occurs. On Friday, had a beautiful stay at home day, had dinner with my family at sushi hana, have you ever gotten stuffed on sushi, I only did once before, drank wonderful types of wine and laughed a lot...... what a great evening. I'm so blessed for having such a wonderful family surrounding me. On Saturday, as one might guess, after drinking those wonderful, different types of wine.... I had a wee headache... slept really late, like 2 PM and got up and watched football with Jon the whole day. He treated me like a queen or an angel or something... brought me beverages and cooked me a wonderful dinner of lobster bisque, lobster tail, coconut shrimp and clams casino.....He truly is my guardian angel, rock of life, best cutie and the best husband a person could find...I must have done something right in my past life, at least a little bit of good anyway. Sunday.... got my last tiny tattoo with Ryan, he took on the real pain today.... with a tattoo just from the throat down, a palm with the protective eye... I just got the protective eye above my teal ribbon..... so happy... Came home, then off to Lynn and Cassie's house for dinner with the Rendeiro's and the kids, Meg and Peyton, Dennis and Lola, who I don't get to see all that often. Wonderful weekend. Then.... when I least expect it.. I went to bed.. and woke up 2 hours later... and guess what I did... I wrote this blog. Maybe now some sleep will return and I'll be off in dreamland.
Cancer, you suck the big one..... life is beautiful...
Peace, Jeanne
Cancer, you suck the big one..... life is beautiful...
Peace, Jeanne
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
posting while a bit high
Had shit day.
Cried at work.
Only the 3rd time that has happened.
1) When Maureen died
2) When they took all my donated sick time away
3) Today, when I realized I've been the only schmuck to take on new work and reassignments without making a huge deal about it.
I must have had my previous life in the depression or potato famine or somalia during a drought, you get my drift.
I'm disalussioned at the whole world at the moment. I don't understand everything. I understand some,,, but when I"ve been moved around and asked to do over and above, sometimes for 6 months (without training) sometimes for almost a year, and now for good in a position with no real knowledge of the job. I"m being set up for failure. Anyone who knows me from my present and back to my past knows, "I don't fail" anything except math tests. So, I'm frustrated. I ill have to discuss with the way upper management about my feelings, I'm quite depressed at work now.... I hope I can resume my normal friendly and cooperative style, but it's gonna be wicked hard to do.
Why now, why when I'm at my lowest. has the world turned against me.....
Peace, Jeanne
Cried at work.
Only the 3rd time that has happened.
1) When Maureen died
2) When they took all my donated sick time away
3) Today, when I realized I've been the only schmuck to take on new work and reassignments without making a huge deal about it.
I must have had my previous life in the depression or potato famine or somalia during a drought, you get my drift.
I'm disalussioned at the whole world at the moment. I don't understand everything. I understand some,,, but when I"ve been moved around and asked to do over and above, sometimes for 6 months (without training) sometimes for almost a year, and now for good in a position with no real knowledge of the job. I"m being set up for failure. Anyone who knows me from my present and back to my past knows, "I don't fail" anything except math tests. So, I'm frustrated. I ill have to discuss with the way upper management about my feelings, I'm quite depressed at work now.... I hope I can resume my normal friendly and cooperative style, but it's gonna be wicked hard to do.
Why now, why when I'm at my lowest. has the world turned against me.....
Peace, Jeanne
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I love Sundays
Sundays are my favorite day of the week. Many of them, especially during the winter, I don't even leave the house, like today.... cept when I went to move cars outside and my finger actually turned into icicles!! It's boiling in my house though.... people tend to like to be warmer than me.
So, today was cool. Slept till like 1:30, then got up and had breakfast with the hubster and tried to read some of the newspaper..... didn't get much of that done... got involved with small cleaning projects, like getting rid of all the pens that no longer work and throwing out all the pencils who's erasers had hardened and no longer erase. (if you are a novice crossword person like me, you'll know and appreciate why I did that)
I made a Carolina pulled pork in the slow cooker, Jon got it together since I overslept, yet again..... we cooked it on high for 6 hours..... it was good but would have been better on low for like 10 hours I think.
Watched football part of the day. Hard to watch our Team (NY Giants) go into the quicksand and die. Jet's are doing well, even as we speak.
I sleep very badly on Sunday at night and that's the only down side. I think it's anxiety about going to work tomorrow, or any Monday for that matter. Now soon will be the new Gov. Crispy.... not sure how he'll kick the shit out of me.... such a struggle... the people of NJ think the State Workers are such a piece of shit... hate to enlighten you.... some of actually really do hard work, like being advocates for the elderly and making sure nursing homes, assisted living facilities, adult medical day care, hospitals and surgie centers etc are doing the right job, keeping you all safe as they and that their not committing fraud. FRAUD?????? Here in NJ... no way that could be happening.
So the work sometimes keeps my mind off my cancer and on the fraudulent status of our state. Wonder if Crispy can actually effect change in this state.... I know he'll get rid of State workers... that will mean taking away services that seem so important to the THOUSANDS OF CONSTITUENTS WHO MAKE REGULAR HEALTH CARE RELATED COMPLAINTS EVERY YEAR. Each year the numbers get higher than the year before ..... Good luck.... the fraud... in government.... politicians, professionals, lawyers, senators, congressmen, councilmen and all the constituents, will keep going. Until that is addressed, no one can help our state.
Peace and good night
So, today was cool. Slept till like 1:30, then got up and had breakfast with the hubster and tried to read some of the newspaper..... didn't get much of that done... got involved with small cleaning projects, like getting rid of all the pens that no longer work and throwing out all the pencils who's erasers had hardened and no longer erase. (if you are a novice crossword person like me, you'll know and appreciate why I did that)
I made a Carolina pulled pork in the slow cooker, Jon got it together since I overslept, yet again..... we cooked it on high for 6 hours..... it was good but would have been better on low for like 10 hours I think.
Watched football part of the day. Hard to watch our Team (NY Giants) go into the quicksand and die. Jet's are doing well, even as we speak.
I sleep very badly on Sunday at night and that's the only down side. I think it's anxiety about going to work tomorrow, or any Monday for that matter. Now soon will be the new Gov. Crispy.... not sure how he'll kick the shit out of me.... such a struggle... the people of NJ think the State Workers are such a piece of shit... hate to enlighten you.... some of actually really do hard work, like being advocates for the elderly and making sure nursing homes, assisted living facilities, adult medical day care, hospitals and surgie centers etc are doing the right job, keeping you all safe as they and that their not committing fraud. FRAUD?????? Here in NJ... no way that could be happening.
So the work sometimes keeps my mind off my cancer and on the fraudulent status of our state. Wonder if Crispy can actually effect change in this state.... I know he'll get rid of State workers... that will mean taking away services that seem so important to the THOUSANDS OF CONSTITUENTS WHO MAKE REGULAR HEALTH CARE RELATED COMPLAINTS EVERY YEAR. Each year the numbers get higher than the year before ..... Good luck.... the fraud... in government.... politicians, professionals, lawyers, senators, congressmen, councilmen and all the constituents, will keep going. Until that is addressed, no one can help our state.
Peace and good night
Friday, January 1, 2010
blind blogging
So this evening you're going to have to have patience with me. Cant' sleep and dont' have the contacts in so probably will have numerous errors since I cn'at see what I'm typoing.
Went to bed about an hour and a half ago.... cant' sleep, so what else is new....I"m calm, relaxed,etc,,,, but just can't get the mind to shut the fuck up.... it's been my story since high school. Guess it won't be any diffferent now.. I've got my e3yes closed now, this should be interesting to read tomorrow.
Had a lovely new years day... brunch at Lynns house... lovely.... no hair of the dog, just carbs dn fat... instandt new years eve recovery method.
I had a great evening last night, but didn't see my kdis. Did leave messages with them,,, did get messages from them.... happy they are all doing OK.. saw a beautiful pic of my grnadpup... mindight on new years asleep like a babyl
What the f is on my mind that I just can't sleep. I'm sick of takin g,eeping pills to rest... I hte sleeping lat on weekends ( like till 2 PM) tht sucks fore jon and me. It's a shame I an never figure out my insomnia... it's not the cancer... I[ve had this issue since hight shcool.
Jon said I talked to him lsat night till 4 AM, don't remember the converstation.. I asked if I cried, he said yes, I asked if I was a pain in the ass, he said no, but he really didn't say what I was talking about.
I was missing my mom earliy in th e evening, couldn't get her out of my inind. I miss her so much.... but no one can replace her for me adn I know that's ow it is.
I'bve been feeling kind of strange in my abdomen lately, less appitite too.. probably just psycho stuff from being off chemo and knowing I had a spread. It's fuuny how your psychological status can effect these physical signs.
Tomorrow I plan a big day. I'm off to the verizon store to get a new phone so I can text.... my kids have recommended this... then to pier one to pick up some new rice bowls....somehow two of them are gone... Funny Idont[ remember breaking one,,,,,jon said he broke one... but theyr' y favorid and don[t have to be expensive.. so pier one is near the verizon place....then oil change and gtire rotation for back to work , just to be sare.
well,dont' really have much hesle tosay. hope the sleeper (the second half) works oow, I hate having to take them.. pisses me off to no end, but, such is life.
Peace.
Went to bed about an hour and a half ago.... cant' sleep, so what else is new....I"m calm, relaxed,etc,,,, but just can't get the mind to shut the fuck up.... it's been my story since high school. Guess it won't be any diffferent now.. I've got my e3yes closed now, this should be interesting to read tomorrow.
Had a lovely new years day... brunch at Lynns house... lovely.... no hair of the dog, just carbs dn fat... instandt new years eve recovery method.
I had a great evening last night, but didn't see my kdis. Did leave messages with them,,, did get messages from them.... happy they are all doing OK.. saw a beautiful pic of my grnadpup... mindight on new years asleep like a babyl
What the f is on my mind that I just can't sleep. I'm sick of takin g,eeping pills to rest... I hte sleeping lat on weekends ( like till 2 PM) tht sucks fore jon and me. It's a shame I an never figure out my insomnia... it's not the cancer... I[ve had this issue since hight shcool.
Jon said I talked to him lsat night till 4 AM, don't remember the converstation.. I asked if I cried, he said yes, I asked if I was a pain in the ass, he said no, but he really didn't say what I was talking about.
I was missing my mom earliy in th e evening, couldn't get her out of my inind. I miss her so much.... but no one can replace her for me adn I know that's ow it is.
I'bve been feeling kind of strange in my abdomen lately, less appitite too.. probably just psycho stuff from being off chemo and knowing I had a spread. It's fuuny how your psychological status can effect these physical signs.
Tomorrow I plan a big day. I'm off to the verizon store to get a new phone so I can text.... my kids have recommended this... then to pier one to pick up some new rice bowls....somehow two of them are gone... Funny Idont[ remember breaking one,,,,,jon said he broke one... but theyr' y favorid and don[t have to be expensive.. so pier one is near the verizon place....then oil change and gtire rotation for back to work , just to be sare.
well,dont' really have much hesle tosay. hope the sleeper (the second half) works oow, I hate having to take them.. pisses me off to no end, but, such is life.
Peace.
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