so sick of bitching

I've kept from this blog lately because I'm sick and tired of only having crap news to write. But today was so crappy, I feel the need to document.
My story continues. I'm on chemo lite, Cytoxan oral every day and Avastin IV every 2 weeks. Although my current scans show increase in some of the cancer areas, it also shows some decrease in some of the areas where the cancer still exists. I have symptoms in my belly which indicate to me, that something is not right. Bowel changes, gas pains (never had these before), hiccups, burping, some sort of discomfort on my right upper quadrant and my mid upper quadrant that bother me.. a bit to close to some important organs, like the liver, pancreas, Gall bladder and my diaphragm.....
So I go on with my chemo lite as prescribed. Chemo regular has wreaked havoc on my body, took out my BP first, my skin second, my kidneys third (although this is really from the cancer), my energy ongoing, I have pain in my left knee from 2 cartilage injuries related to chemo, I have migratory joint pain from inflammation in my joints, on and on, .... but I struggle on through.
I still work full time... till Dec. 1, 2010 which is my first day on Medical retirement... I so wanted to make it to 25 years, but I'll miss that by 16 months... oh well, the docs say my stress and hours put out daily on the job are just too much ( between 11 and 13 hours a day and a 120 mile commute). So last week I heard that one my co-workers in what we call the cancer club... we have breast, ovarian, prostate, esophageal, more breast, another esophageal, bladder, peritoneal, cholangio, colon, more breast and most recently thyroid.
Today, I called my co-worker who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and just recently restarted on chemo... after being very ill from the chemo, she went to her MD... she also somehow developed a swollen foot. When the doc saw the foot they x-rayed it. Found 5 stress fractures. They think it's from all the synthroid medication she's been on. So now she's in a cast and cannot bear weight. Today, after more tests, she discovered that her cancer has spread to more lymph nodes, including the back of her neck and they restaged her as a stage 4......no one should ever have to hear that news, especially after being told about 5 months ago, she was cancer free on scans.
The world is not fair, there is no answer when you look for some reason these things happen to you. People talk about fate, about God's plan... I can't think in those terms. Life is a struggle, from the minute you jump out of the womb and take your first breaths, when you try and speak, when you try and walk, when you try and learn and when you try to stay in shape. When you try and find a mate, when you try to deal with young person angst and drama, when you get married and try to live with someone, when you have children or not for some who want them, when kids or spouses are sick, when parents age and need help, when they die, when family members make poor choices, when you get sick.
The struggle is life.... there's no way out of it.... you need to learn how to deal with the struggles to the best of your abilities. That's all you can do.