Every day I get reminded of how much cancer sucks. Yesterday while I was attending to the needs of my sister who was having her shoulder replaced in NY I looked around the room. People from every direction there to have some sort of orthopedic surgery by the best docs in the country.
When I went to get my car out of the parking lot, a woman who I had seen in the Atrium waiting area with her family approached me and asked about my ribbon tattoo. I told her I had ovarian cancer and that this was teal colored ribbon for ovarian cancer. I showed her the Eye of Protection tattooed above it. She then proceeded to show me her green wrist band and a tattoo of her a rose and her husbands name on her ankle. She said he had kidney cancer and green was the color of the ribbon that represents kidney cancer. As she was getting into her car with her sister or a friend, I asked how her husband was doing.... she replied, "oh, he died. He fought the battle for 10 years, but passed away." I looked at her as only a cancer patient or survivor can, with a look that only comes out with this kind of empathy and told her how sorry I was. She looked so young, maybe late 30s.... probably had some kids... she was driving a big vehicle... I welled up as she drove away.
Cancer sucks, it takes advantage of everyone and holds no prisoners.
Cancer hurts babies, children, young adults, women, men, rich people, poor people, healthy active people who take care of themselves, people who don't take care of themselves, black people, white people, Asian people, Indians from every continent, people in the city or the country or on islands or in deserts, blond haired blue eyed people, dark haired dark eyed people, people with are emotionally strong, people who are emotionally weak, single people, married people, people with kids, fat people, skinny people, people who smoke or don't smoke, the list goes on and on.
It always makes me think of these trucks I see on my lengthy commutes that say either... stay healthy, eat more fish, or stay healthy, eat more chicken.... me thinks that's a lot of bull shit.
Peace
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
later on the big day
So things went' well today.. to a degree.
BP issues are from Celebrex and I can no longer take that.. so migratory joint pain will have to be tolerated to a degree or I have to find something to address that. Not quite ready to get onto narcs just yet.
TUMOR MARKERS ARE DOWN 5 POINTS!!! Don't know why.. but I'm glad.
Celebrex also seems to have done a number on my kidneys... so they're following creatinine closely.
Don't need to see my onco for 2 months. This is a first.... since I was diagnosed in April 2007!!
My cholesterol, which went crazy about a month ago, responded well to Lipitor and my liver enzymes, which were high from chemo etc... are normal...
Good and bad news mixed together... I can try and handle that for a while.
Goodnight world.
Peace
BP issues are from Celebrex and I can no longer take that.. so migratory joint pain will have to be tolerated to a degree or I have to find something to address that. Not quite ready to get onto narcs just yet.
TUMOR MARKERS ARE DOWN 5 POINTS!!! Don't know why.. but I'm glad.
Celebrex also seems to have done a number on my kidneys... so they're following creatinine closely.
Don't need to see my onco for 2 months. This is a first.... since I was diagnosed in April 2007!!
My cholesterol, which went crazy about a month ago, responded well to Lipitor and my liver enzymes, which were high from chemo etc... are normal...
Good and bad news mixed together... I can try and handle that for a while.
Goodnight world.
Peace
jeanne's big day
So in a few minutes, I'll be off to the medical doctor, cuz my BP is screaming high..... WTF now.... have tried increasing fluids, avoiding salt, taking xanax as prescribed.... nuthin.... so I'll see what the medical doc has in store for me now.
Then, it's a little jump over to the cancer center for a check up and port flush......
I'll be happy to get the BP under control... it causes such a headache, not liking it one bit.
Well, tomorrow is Friday, my sister is having her shoulder replaced in NYC and so I'll be over yonder for the day and into the evening.....She seems pretty calm at the moment, we'll see.
Here's looking for a fairly good weekend.. is it possible?
Then, it's a little jump over to the cancer center for a check up and port flush......
I'll be happy to get the BP under control... it causes such a headache, not liking it one bit.
Well, tomorrow is Friday, my sister is having her shoulder replaced in NYC and so I'll be over yonder for the day and into the evening.....She seems pretty calm at the moment, we'll see.
Here's looking for a fairly good weekend.. is it possible?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
so insomnia strikes again
Here it is half past 12 in the night... again I'm at the computer unable to sleep. I took 1/3 of my sleeping pill so I'll be able to wake up in the morning.
Saw my surgical oncologist today... he agrees with the oncologist to remain off chemo for 2 + more months and get re-scanned. I'm in agreement.. but of course I"m quite scared about this, new areas, albeit small, have shown up.....
I guess there's just some times you have to give it up to the experts. I can't think any more.
I wish I had something in my life, besides my family and friends that was positive.
I hope I can sleep when I return to the bed... it's got to be partially psychological.... I feld tired as could be... then up to bed and NO SLEEP. It really sucks. I hope this will pass.
Peace, Jeanne
Saw my surgical oncologist today... he agrees with the oncologist to remain off chemo for 2 + more months and get re-scanned. I'm in agreement.. but of course I"m quite scared about this, new areas, albeit small, have shown up.....
I guess there's just some times you have to give it up to the experts. I can't think any more.
I wish I had something in my life, besides my family and friends that was positive.
I hope I can sleep when I return to the bed... it's got to be partially psychological.... I feld tired as could be... then up to bed and NO SLEEP. It really sucks. I hope this will pass.
Peace, Jeanne
Sunday, January 10, 2010
this weekend
So, Friday I made it to the beautiful age of 55. Lovin it!! Each year, month, day that I have here with my husband, family and friends makes it all worth while. I've said that my life is an open book, with each day written in the time it occurs. On Friday, had a beautiful stay at home day, had dinner with my family at sushi hana, have you ever gotten stuffed on sushi, I only did once before, drank wonderful types of wine and laughed a lot...... what a great evening. I'm so blessed for having such a wonderful family surrounding me. On Saturday, as one might guess, after drinking those wonderful, different types of wine.... I had a wee headache... slept really late, like 2 PM and got up and watched football with Jon the whole day. He treated me like a queen or an angel or something... brought me beverages and cooked me a wonderful dinner of lobster bisque, lobster tail, coconut shrimp and clams casino.....He truly is my guardian angel, rock of life, best cutie and the best husband a person could find...I must have done something right in my past life, at least a little bit of good anyway. Sunday.... got my last tiny tattoo with Ryan, he took on the real pain today.... with a tattoo just from the throat down, a palm with the protective eye... I just got the protective eye above my teal ribbon..... so happy... Came home, then off to Lynn and Cassie's house for dinner with the Rendeiro's and the kids, Meg and Peyton, Dennis and Lola, who I don't get to see all that often. Wonderful weekend. Then.... when I least expect it.. I went to bed.. and woke up 2 hours later... and guess what I did... I wrote this blog. Maybe now some sleep will return and I'll be off in dreamland.
Cancer, you suck the big one..... life is beautiful...
Peace, Jeanne
Cancer, you suck the big one..... life is beautiful...
Peace, Jeanne
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
posting while a bit high
Had shit day.
Cried at work.
Only the 3rd time that has happened.
1) When Maureen died
2) When they took all my donated sick time away
3) Today, when I realized I've been the only schmuck to take on new work and reassignments without making a huge deal about it.
I must have had my previous life in the depression or potato famine or somalia during a drought, you get my drift.
I'm disalussioned at the whole world at the moment. I don't understand everything. I understand some,,, but when I"ve been moved around and asked to do over and above, sometimes for 6 months (without training) sometimes for almost a year, and now for good in a position with no real knowledge of the job. I"m being set up for failure. Anyone who knows me from my present and back to my past knows, "I don't fail" anything except math tests. So, I'm frustrated. I ill have to discuss with the way upper management about my feelings, I'm quite depressed at work now.... I hope I can resume my normal friendly and cooperative style, but it's gonna be wicked hard to do.
Why now, why when I'm at my lowest. has the world turned against me.....
Peace, Jeanne
Cried at work.
Only the 3rd time that has happened.
1) When Maureen died
2) When they took all my donated sick time away
3) Today, when I realized I've been the only schmuck to take on new work and reassignments without making a huge deal about it.
I must have had my previous life in the depression or potato famine or somalia during a drought, you get my drift.
I'm disalussioned at the whole world at the moment. I don't understand everything. I understand some,,, but when I"ve been moved around and asked to do over and above, sometimes for 6 months (without training) sometimes for almost a year, and now for good in a position with no real knowledge of the job. I"m being set up for failure. Anyone who knows me from my present and back to my past knows, "I don't fail" anything except math tests. So, I'm frustrated. I ill have to discuss with the way upper management about my feelings, I'm quite depressed at work now.... I hope I can resume my normal friendly and cooperative style, but it's gonna be wicked hard to do.
Why now, why when I'm at my lowest. has the world turned against me.....
Peace, Jeanne
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I love Sundays
Sundays are my favorite day of the week. Many of them, especially during the winter, I don't even leave the house, like today.... cept when I went to move cars outside and my finger actually turned into icicles!! It's boiling in my house though.... people tend to like to be warmer than me.
So, today was cool. Slept till like 1:30, then got up and had breakfast with the hubster and tried to read some of the newspaper..... didn't get much of that done... got involved with small cleaning projects, like getting rid of all the pens that no longer work and throwing out all the pencils who's erasers had hardened and no longer erase. (if you are a novice crossword person like me, you'll know and appreciate why I did that)
I made a Carolina pulled pork in the slow cooker, Jon got it together since I overslept, yet again..... we cooked it on high for 6 hours..... it was good but would have been better on low for like 10 hours I think.
Watched football part of the day. Hard to watch our Team (NY Giants) go into the quicksand and die. Jet's are doing well, even as we speak.
I sleep very badly on Sunday at night and that's the only down side. I think it's anxiety about going to work tomorrow, or any Monday for that matter. Now soon will be the new Gov. Crispy.... not sure how he'll kick the shit out of me.... such a struggle... the people of NJ think the State Workers are such a piece of shit... hate to enlighten you.... some of actually really do hard work, like being advocates for the elderly and making sure nursing homes, assisted living facilities, adult medical day care, hospitals and surgie centers etc are doing the right job, keeping you all safe as they and that their not committing fraud. FRAUD?????? Here in NJ... no way that could be happening.
So the work sometimes keeps my mind off my cancer and on the fraudulent status of our state. Wonder if Crispy can actually effect change in this state.... I know he'll get rid of State workers... that will mean taking away services that seem so important to the THOUSANDS OF CONSTITUENTS WHO MAKE REGULAR HEALTH CARE RELATED COMPLAINTS EVERY YEAR. Each year the numbers get higher than the year before ..... Good luck.... the fraud... in government.... politicians, professionals, lawyers, senators, congressmen, councilmen and all the constituents, will keep going. Until that is addressed, no one can help our state.
Peace and good night
So, today was cool. Slept till like 1:30, then got up and had breakfast with the hubster and tried to read some of the newspaper..... didn't get much of that done... got involved with small cleaning projects, like getting rid of all the pens that no longer work and throwing out all the pencils who's erasers had hardened and no longer erase. (if you are a novice crossword person like me, you'll know and appreciate why I did that)
I made a Carolina pulled pork in the slow cooker, Jon got it together since I overslept, yet again..... we cooked it on high for 6 hours..... it was good but would have been better on low for like 10 hours I think.
Watched football part of the day. Hard to watch our Team (NY Giants) go into the quicksand and die. Jet's are doing well, even as we speak.
I sleep very badly on Sunday at night and that's the only down side. I think it's anxiety about going to work tomorrow, or any Monday for that matter. Now soon will be the new Gov. Crispy.... not sure how he'll kick the shit out of me.... such a struggle... the people of NJ think the State Workers are such a piece of shit... hate to enlighten you.... some of actually really do hard work, like being advocates for the elderly and making sure nursing homes, assisted living facilities, adult medical day care, hospitals and surgie centers etc are doing the right job, keeping you all safe as they and that their not committing fraud. FRAUD?????? Here in NJ... no way that could be happening.
So the work sometimes keeps my mind off my cancer and on the fraudulent status of our state. Wonder if Crispy can actually effect change in this state.... I know he'll get rid of State workers... that will mean taking away services that seem so important to the THOUSANDS OF CONSTITUENTS WHO MAKE REGULAR HEALTH CARE RELATED COMPLAINTS EVERY YEAR. Each year the numbers get higher than the year before ..... Good luck.... the fraud... in government.... politicians, professionals, lawyers, senators, congressmen, councilmen and all the constituents, will keep going. Until that is addressed, no one can help our state.
Peace and good night
Friday, January 1, 2010
blind blogging
So this evening you're going to have to have patience with me. Cant' sleep and dont' have the contacts in so probably will have numerous errors since I cn'at see what I'm typoing.
Went to bed about an hour and a half ago.... cant' sleep, so what else is new....I"m calm, relaxed,etc,,,, but just can't get the mind to shut the fuck up.... it's been my story since high school. Guess it won't be any diffferent now.. I've got my e3yes closed now, this should be interesting to read tomorrow.
Had a lovely new years day... brunch at Lynns house... lovely.... no hair of the dog, just carbs dn fat... instandt new years eve recovery method.
I had a great evening last night, but didn't see my kdis. Did leave messages with them,,, did get messages from them.... happy they are all doing OK.. saw a beautiful pic of my grnadpup... mindight on new years asleep like a babyl
What the f is on my mind that I just can't sleep. I'm sick of takin g,eeping pills to rest... I hte sleeping lat on weekends ( like till 2 PM) tht sucks fore jon and me. It's a shame I an never figure out my insomnia... it's not the cancer... I[ve had this issue since hight shcool.
Jon said I talked to him lsat night till 4 AM, don't remember the converstation.. I asked if I cried, he said yes, I asked if I was a pain in the ass, he said no, but he really didn't say what I was talking about.
I was missing my mom earliy in th e evening, couldn't get her out of my inind. I miss her so much.... but no one can replace her for me adn I know that's ow it is.
I'bve been feeling kind of strange in my abdomen lately, less appitite too.. probably just psycho stuff from being off chemo and knowing I had a spread. It's fuuny how your psychological status can effect these physical signs.
Tomorrow I plan a big day. I'm off to the verizon store to get a new phone so I can text.... my kids have recommended this... then to pier one to pick up some new rice bowls....somehow two of them are gone... Funny Idont[ remember breaking one,,,,,jon said he broke one... but theyr' y favorid and don[t have to be expensive.. so pier one is near the verizon place....then oil change and gtire rotation for back to work , just to be sare.
well,dont' really have much hesle tosay. hope the sleeper (the second half) works oow, I hate having to take them.. pisses me off to no end, but, such is life.
Peace.
Went to bed about an hour and a half ago.... cant' sleep, so what else is new....I"m calm, relaxed,etc,,,, but just can't get the mind to shut the fuck up.... it's been my story since high school. Guess it won't be any diffferent now.. I've got my e3yes closed now, this should be interesting to read tomorrow.
Had a lovely new years day... brunch at Lynns house... lovely.... no hair of the dog, just carbs dn fat... instandt new years eve recovery method.
I had a great evening last night, but didn't see my kdis. Did leave messages with them,,, did get messages from them.... happy they are all doing OK.. saw a beautiful pic of my grnadpup... mindight on new years asleep like a babyl
What the f is on my mind that I just can't sleep. I'm sick of takin g,eeping pills to rest... I hte sleeping lat on weekends ( like till 2 PM) tht sucks fore jon and me. It's a shame I an never figure out my insomnia... it's not the cancer... I[ve had this issue since hight shcool.
Jon said I talked to him lsat night till 4 AM, don't remember the converstation.. I asked if I cried, he said yes, I asked if I was a pain in the ass, he said no, but he really didn't say what I was talking about.
I was missing my mom earliy in th e evening, couldn't get her out of my inind. I miss her so much.... but no one can replace her for me adn I know that's ow it is.
I'bve been feeling kind of strange in my abdomen lately, less appitite too.. probably just psycho stuff from being off chemo and knowing I had a spread. It's fuuny how your psychological status can effect these physical signs.
Tomorrow I plan a big day. I'm off to the verizon store to get a new phone so I can text.... my kids have recommended this... then to pier one to pick up some new rice bowls....somehow two of them are gone... Funny Idont[ remember breaking one,,,,,jon said he broke one... but theyr' y favorid and don[t have to be expensive.. so pier one is near the verizon place....then oil change and gtire rotation for back to work , just to be sare.
well,dont' really have much hesle tosay. hope the sleeper (the second half) works oow, I hate having to take them.. pisses me off to no end, but, such is life.
Peace.
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