sorry no capital letters tonight. i'm tired and weary from too much work and busy days.
so.... it's the holiday tomorrow.
funny. today i was talking to 2 of my co-workers, both of whom have cancer or are being followed for recent cancer diagnosis and treatment. all 3 of us were in a total mess of feelings. one friend, had breast ca.... went through surgery, chemo and radiation... she has pain in her right lower rib area... all blood work is cool... but, because of the high incidence of metastasis of breast ca to the bones, she has to have bone scans and follow up.... to me this is not a huge thing... i haven't been cancer free since i was diagnosed....they test me and do what they can to see my status on a routine basis.... but for her, she's a total mess... scared, freaked out... had to share my anti-anxiety methods with her to settle her down. i have so many methods at this point it's not funny.
later in the morning, another co-worker who was treated for thyroid cancer came to talk to me (we're kind of like a cancer club, unfortunately) and said her markers were up and she had to have pet scan and additional chemo etc.... it goes on and on i'm afraid.
turns out the three of us were all crying with our husbands last night.... that's kinda freaky don't you think... we have 3 different cancers... diagnosed all at different times... and our husbands are all showing the signs of the stress that cancer puts on our most intimate loves of our lives..... maybe it's the holidays + cancer... i don't really know... but it's something... all of us crying simultaneously in different areas of the state at the same time....i had some cocktails... one had an early night and then read for the rest of the night and one baked till after 1 a.m. and then came into work today.....
cancer sucks, cancer sucks, cancer sucks.
that's my mantra for the night.
i blog to save my mind and my life.... it permits me to express and think of how things have effected me over the last 24 or more hours......it makes me examine my feelings and how my diagnosis effects others.
i just wish.. of all things, that i could overcome the guilt i have for doing this to my family and friends. i know i didn't do this to myself... but i feel so guilty for what this disease is doing to the ones i love.... without my own doing... i am guilty.
peace, jeanne
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