CANCER WTF part 1

So here I am again... impossibly locked (at least from my ability) to get into my previous Blog, cancer what else is new... now I've got a new name.. but can still write, which is quite necessary when you have this disease, at least for me it is.
So, I've been on chemo holiday for 6 months, it's been good, I guess, scary too, not knowing what's going on in there, watching the markers move ever so slightly up each month, having chemo withdrawal, who knew?? I would have preferred rehab with that Baldwin brother for addiction to some medication or alcohol, although sometimes I think I getting close on the alcohol front.
Last week, I had my 6 month pet scan........ ummmmm .... what to say about that... well, it's a test that's necessary.. I don't particularly like it.. they shoot you up with a radioactive glucose solution.. then Lasix to make you pee.. then put you in a tube for about 30 or 40 minutes.. I'm not sure on the time, I just want the time to go fast because your arms are up over your head and it's kind of uncomfortable for those of us in our 50's , I keep wondering if my arms will be able to come back down after the test, I think I could win the hold your arms up over your head competition in survivor now though... I guess that's a good thing.
This week I see my onco who will review the test results and make a determination if it's time to go back on chemo or stay off it and continue to let my body recover from 2 years of toxic chemicals to kill the cancer.
In the past, I couldn't wait for the results, but now, I've grown more patient.. yes... I"m nutz while waiting, but I prefer to be WITH my physician when I get these kinds of results. Yes I may look like a deer in the headlights and act like that too, but my doc is patient and kind and great and she'll give me moment if the news is not great, fantastic or otherwise wonderful.
Today was a wonderful day of Christmas cookie backing, family around the house, football on the TV (go Giants) and tree decorating. I still marvel at the fact that my son's and my daughter in law come to do this every year... I so love it and them that it makes me feel soooo gooood.
Now, at almost midnight.. I'm sitting here, I think I may need another Xanax to mellow me out to sleep and I look at the tree and smile... when suddenly the dreaded tear comes into my eyes...without forewarning or preparation... I sit and I think why the fuck am I tearing up.. ....I make myself address it and usually come to the conclusion rather quickly... it may be my last.... every day.. every event.. every special thing..it comes down to .. this may be my last... MAKE THE MOST OF IT.
So, I'm signing off, getting the pill so I can calm down, go to sleep and go to work tomorrow and face another really wonderful day, no matter what comes my way.
Peace