I'm fucking pissed at every single thing today. Let me list them:
1. I'm pissed at my disease
2. I'm pissed at trying to figure out whether or not the Governor of NJ will make it necessary for me to take Medical retirement
3. I"m pissed at my job. I"ve been reassigned for the last time I can take.
4. I'm pissed at my job because most of it sucks.
5. I'm pissed at my job because I have to confront discipline and correction with my peers which seems unusual and it's somthing I'm unfamiliar with. But, I have a boss who is great and has advised me of what is required, but now, I have to make other people know what's required and they should already know this.
6. I"m pissed at people who are loud mouths who don't know what the FUCK they are talking about.
7. I have the new Governor... after all these years of dedicated service to help the "silent" elderly and thier families, who are underserved and not heard by him or anyone else who wants a VOTE.
8. I"m pissed because I have an incurable disease and want to keep working, but may not be able to.
9 I'm pissed because the 3 best friends, who advised me the most at Gilda's club support group are DEAD.
10. I"m pissed because I'm terrified.
11. I"m pissed because of the effect this disease has had on my family and friends.
12. I'm pissed because I haven't had less than a 2.5 hour commute home from work in the last 4 days coming home from Trenton which totally SUCKS the big one and makes me a crazy person before I even get to the solitude of my home.
13. I'm pissed because my son is depressed.
14. I'm pissed because people suck a lot and hurt my family and take no responsibility and no action to improve thier behavior which results in pain to my family.
14. I'm pissed because my husband is unsatisfied with his job and is depressed about it and they just probably suck as much as our DHSS which has sucked every ounce out of my in the last 3 years..
15. I"m pissed because I have friends who are also effected by this fucking disease known as CANCER.
16. I"m pissed because I have stress.
17. I"m pissed because I have insomnia and this disease is the worst thing that can happen to a person with insomnia and I want to be asleep NOW>
18. I"m pissed because I really don't enjoy my current job although I love most of the people I work with.
19. I'm pissed because of the reaction my husband has to my disease, he must maintain strength, even when he doesn't feel strong and this SUCKS, FUCKING SUCKS, since we used to support each other during hard times and now, between my illness and my job, I'm drained to the bone and can hardly help my pet cat.
20. I'm pissed because of the effect this disease has had on my sons' emotional growth and their satisfaction with life.
21. I'm pissed because of my sister's detachment from reality for such a long time after my mother's death, which has delayed my ability to move passed her death and move on.
22. I"m pissed because my mother died a month before I was diagnosed and I never got to grieve her properly.
23. I"m pissed because there is no treatment solutions for many cancers including mine, the deadly OVARIAN CANCER.
24. I'm pissed because 2009 is coming to and end and there's no additional treatment of even ideas on how to treat my cancer. It leaves me statistically left with 2 year and 4 months to beat the odds.
25. I'm pissed that my life is passing before my eyes...grateful that the realities of life are still there,,,, but the hard times are harder... no time to waste, got to get them straightned out before I"m gone.
26. I'm missing a lot of the reasons that I'm pissed here, I'm quite sure of that... but to be honest, generally.... I'M JUST PISSED OFF AT THE WHOLE FUCKING THING WITH REGARD TO THIS FUCKING CANCER SHIT.
Good evening and I hope the world sleeps better than I do.
Peace from pissed of jeanne
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
the eve before christmas eve
sorry no capital letters tonight. i'm tired and weary from too much work and busy days.
so.... it's the holiday tomorrow.
funny. today i was talking to 2 of my co-workers, both of whom have cancer or are being followed for recent cancer diagnosis and treatment. all 3 of us were in a total mess of feelings. one friend, had breast ca.... went through surgery, chemo and radiation... she has pain in her right lower rib area... all blood work is cool... but, because of the high incidence of metastasis of breast ca to the bones, she has to have bone scans and follow up.... to me this is not a huge thing... i haven't been cancer free since i was diagnosed....they test me and do what they can to see my status on a routine basis.... but for her, she's a total mess... scared, freaked out... had to share my anti-anxiety methods with her to settle her down. i have so many methods at this point it's not funny.
later in the morning, another co-worker who was treated for thyroid cancer came to talk to me (we're kind of like a cancer club, unfortunately) and said her markers were up and she had to have pet scan and additional chemo etc.... it goes on and on i'm afraid.
turns out the three of us were all crying with our husbands last night.... that's kinda freaky don't you think... we have 3 different cancers... diagnosed all at different times... and our husbands are all showing the signs of the stress that cancer puts on our most intimate loves of our lives..... maybe it's the holidays + cancer... i don't really know... but it's something... all of us crying simultaneously in different areas of the state at the same time....i had some cocktails... one had an early night and then read for the rest of the night and one baked till after 1 a.m. and then came into work today.....
cancer sucks, cancer sucks, cancer sucks.
that's my mantra for the night.
i blog to save my mind and my life.... it permits me to express and think of how things have effected me over the last 24 or more hours......it makes me examine my feelings and how my diagnosis effects others.
i just wish.. of all things, that i could overcome the guilt i have for doing this to my family and friends. i know i didn't do this to myself... but i feel so guilty for what this disease is doing to the ones i love.... without my own doing... i am guilty.
peace, jeanne
so.... it's the holiday tomorrow.
funny. today i was talking to 2 of my co-workers, both of whom have cancer or are being followed for recent cancer diagnosis and treatment. all 3 of us were in a total mess of feelings. one friend, had breast ca.... went through surgery, chemo and radiation... she has pain in her right lower rib area... all blood work is cool... but, because of the high incidence of metastasis of breast ca to the bones, she has to have bone scans and follow up.... to me this is not a huge thing... i haven't been cancer free since i was diagnosed....they test me and do what they can to see my status on a routine basis.... but for her, she's a total mess... scared, freaked out... had to share my anti-anxiety methods with her to settle her down. i have so many methods at this point it's not funny.
later in the morning, another co-worker who was treated for thyroid cancer came to talk to me (we're kind of like a cancer club, unfortunately) and said her markers were up and she had to have pet scan and additional chemo etc.... it goes on and on i'm afraid.
turns out the three of us were all crying with our husbands last night.... that's kinda freaky don't you think... we have 3 different cancers... diagnosed all at different times... and our husbands are all showing the signs of the stress that cancer puts on our most intimate loves of our lives..... maybe it's the holidays + cancer... i don't really know... but it's something... all of us crying simultaneously in different areas of the state at the same time....i had some cocktails... one had an early night and then read for the rest of the night and one baked till after 1 a.m. and then came into work today.....
cancer sucks, cancer sucks, cancer sucks.
that's my mantra for the night.
i blog to save my mind and my life.... it permits me to express and think of how things have effected me over the last 24 or more hours......it makes me examine my feelings and how my diagnosis effects others.
i just wish.. of all things, that i could overcome the guilt i have for doing this to my family and friends. i know i didn't do this to myself... but i feel so guilty for what this disease is doing to the ones i love.... without my own doing... i am guilty.
peace, jeanne
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
frustration
So.. I know cancer effects more than just the patient. It has fingers, or maybe better tentacles that go out and grab people who are in contact with the person with the cancer. This really sucks.
When you have cancer and you're still in treatment... it's very hard to communicate your status to other people.
I want to honest and I am honest... but I find that honesty makes people upset....
I'm a people pleaser... no doubt some of you know what that means... I don't like to disappoint or disrupt other peoples lives for any reason.. especially not my problems.... so... I'm honest but I have the heaviest guilt anyone could possibly imagine from doing so.
I would love to live in "lie" country and tell everyone everything is just fantastic.... but I have vowed honesty and will live up to that vow..no matter how hard it is sometimes.
I have to deliver unpleasant news sometimes.. it's causes people pain and worry... I HATE that... I'm a people pleaser and this gives me so much grief and guild... but I must translate my diagnostic information to my family and those that love me and know me... because I have a vow not to keep secrets. I will keep my vow.
I hope, the people, my family and friends will honor me with the same dignity and express their challenges with my diagnostic information and not refrain from speaking to me about their feelings because they thing it will be troublesome to me.
Every thing about this disease is troubling, but it's more troubling to think people are with holding their feelings and becoming depressed and upset because of my illness.
I don't intend to die soon.... I'm willing to fight this awful disease as long as I can....so far set backs have been minor.
I have no doubt that this cancer will kill me if there's no new treatment in the near future, but I have no date, no time and I have no feeling that this is going to happen in the near future.... I will fight till I'm advised there is no further reason to fight.
If you read this and you are my family or friend and you have fears you feel uncomfortable discussing with me.... step up... we need to talk, to discuss and open up our feelings. That is that only thing that will get us through this awful sucky despicable disease. I want us all to be as healthy as possible despite this diagnosis. I want to live as normal a life as possible during this treatment and during my time on this earth.....
Peace,
Jeanne
When you have cancer and you're still in treatment... it's very hard to communicate your status to other people.
I want to honest and I am honest... but I find that honesty makes people upset....
I'm a people pleaser... no doubt some of you know what that means... I don't like to disappoint or disrupt other peoples lives for any reason.. especially not my problems.... so... I'm honest but I have the heaviest guilt anyone could possibly imagine from doing so.
I would love to live in "lie" country and tell everyone everything is just fantastic.... but I have vowed honesty and will live up to that vow..no matter how hard it is sometimes.
I have to deliver unpleasant news sometimes.. it's causes people pain and worry... I HATE that... I'm a people pleaser and this gives me so much grief and guild... but I must translate my diagnostic information to my family and those that love me and know me... because I have a vow not to keep secrets. I will keep my vow.
I hope, the people, my family and friends will honor me with the same dignity and express their challenges with my diagnostic information and not refrain from speaking to me about their feelings because they thing it will be troublesome to me.
Every thing about this disease is troubling, but it's more troubling to think people are with holding their feelings and becoming depressed and upset because of my illness.
I don't intend to die soon.... I'm willing to fight this awful disease as long as I can....so far set backs have been minor.
I have no doubt that this cancer will kill me if there's no new treatment in the near future, but I have no date, no time and I have no feeling that this is going to happen in the near future.... I will fight till I'm advised there is no further reason to fight.
If you read this and you are my family or friend and you have fears you feel uncomfortable discussing with me.... step up... we need to talk, to discuss and open up our feelings. That is that only thing that will get us through this awful sucky despicable disease. I want us all to be as healthy as possible despite this diagnosis. I want to live as normal a life as possible during this treatment and during my time on this earth.....
Peace,
Jeanne
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
work is trying to kill me before the CA does!
So work is awful.... I love the people I work with now that I'm newly assigned... but the work... it's just crap. Yesterday, I went to this web site... Sarah Palin doesn't know crap (I think) signed a petition to shut that stupid bitch up... it won't work, but it made me feel better. She is against health care reform because she says it will result in DEATH PANELS!!! OMG... we can't even get a HEALTH PANEL for Christ's sake....
She is an idiot and do whatever you can to make her shut the hell up.. she's guiding people from the middle of the country, and maybe Alaska, but I can't imagine they would still trust her to believe in Fairy Tales like the deaths from the Bros. Grimm.
There is a petition at a site... just google sarah palin is full of crap or something like that and write what you feel about that moron.
Well, don't I sound all happy and fuzzy and ready for Christmas.
I'll try and become calm down. 2 days till test results........ still neurotic.. no sleep, achy joints every where, headache and a MF coldsore to boot..... I'm sure I'll be better just getting the results, whatever they may be...
Off to eat 2 xmas cookies and off to and early Ambien sleep... sorry... gotta do it... must sleep sometime... I'm exhausted.
Peace
She is an idiot and do whatever you can to make her shut the hell up.. she's guiding people from the middle of the country, and maybe Alaska, but I can't imagine they would still trust her to believe in Fairy Tales like the deaths from the Bros. Grimm.
There is a petition at a site... just google sarah palin is full of crap or something like that and write what you feel about that moron.
Well, don't I sound all happy and fuzzy and ready for Christmas.
I'll try and become calm down. 2 days till test results........ still neurotic.. no sleep, achy joints every where, headache and a MF coldsore to boot..... I'm sure I'll be better just getting the results, whatever they may be...
Off to eat 2 xmas cookies and off to and early Ambien sleep... sorry... gotta do it... must sleep sometime... I'm exhausted.
Peace
Monday, December 14, 2009
Insomnia
Well, only one day... loads of work...day went by fast... having pretty significant insomnia at the moment.... could it be those nasty test results on Thursday? Probably.
So.. let me think of something funny that I experienced today..... ummm.... there were a few, but they are probably old ones...Oh.. I got up..and forgot the bridge was out.. oh no that wasn't funny at all, made me late for work...
ummmm....Oh I know..... Bob Dylan's first christmas CD was just released and they were playing a lot of it in Philly and in NY. .... next thing I'm hearing is, a Bob Dylan impression by Christopher Guest... in Lemmings... hilarious and it especially since Jon and I saw the show in NY in like 1971 or 2.... pre Saturday night live..we had such an interesting night that night.. but the skit on the album was an impression of Bob D by Christopher Guest doing one of those late night album selling sites... now for only $3:95 you can have every protest hit available... plus as a bonus you can have the best of psychedelic music... I was laughing so hard and remembering my teenage years, I had a great time as a kid..Well... gotta sleep... Peace
So.. let me think of something funny that I experienced today..... ummm.... there were a few, but they are probably old ones...Oh.. I got up..and forgot the bridge was out.. oh no that wasn't funny at all, made me late for work...
ummmm....Oh I know..... Bob Dylan's first christmas CD was just released and they were playing a lot of it in Philly and in NY. .... next thing I'm hearing is, a Bob Dylan impression by Christopher Guest... in Lemmings... hilarious and it especially since Jon and I saw the show in NY in like 1971 or 2.... pre Saturday night live..we had such an interesting night that night.. but the skit on the album was an impression of Bob D by Christopher Guest doing one of those late night album selling sites... now for only $3:95 you can have every protest hit available... plus as a bonus you can have the best of psychedelic music... I was laughing so hard and remembering my teenage years, I had a great time as a kid..Well... gotta sleep... Peace
Sunday, December 13, 2009
CANCER WTF part 1
So here I am again... impossibly locked (at least from my ability) to get into my previous Blog, cancer what else is new... now I've got a new name.. but can still write, which is quite necessary when you have this disease, at least for me it is.
So, I've been on chemo holiday for 6 months, it's been good, I guess, scary too, not knowing what's going on in there, watching the markers move ever so slightly up each month, having chemo withdrawal, who knew?? I would have preferred rehab with that Baldwin brother for addiction to some medication or alcohol, although sometimes I think I getting close on the alcohol front.
Last week, I had my 6 month pet scan........ ummmmm .... what to say about that... well, it's a test that's necessary.. I don't particularly like it.. they shoot you up with a radioactive glucose solution.. then Lasix to make you pee.. then put you in a tube for about 30 or 40 minutes.. I'm not sure on the time, I just want the time to go fast because your arms are up over your head and it's kind of uncomfortable for those of us in our 50's , I keep wondering if my arms will be able to come back down after the test, I think I could win the hold your arms up over your head competition in survivor now though... I guess that's a good thing.
This week I see my onco who will review the test results and make a determination if it's time to go back on chemo or stay off it and continue to let my body recover from 2 years of toxic chemicals to kill the cancer.
In the past, I couldn't wait for the results, but now, I've grown more patient.. yes... I"m nutz while waiting, but I prefer to be WITH my physician when I get these kinds of results. Yes I may look like a deer in the headlights and act like that too, but my doc is patient and kind and great and she'll give me moment if the news is not great, fantastic or otherwise wonderful.
Today was a wonderful day of Christmas cookie backing, family around the house, football on the TV (go Giants) and tree decorating. I still marvel at the fact that my son's and my daughter in law come to do this every year... I so love it and them that it makes me feel soooo gooood.
Now, at almost midnight.. I'm sitting here, I think I may need another Xanax to mellow me out to sleep and I look at the tree and smile... when suddenly the dreaded tear comes into my eyes...without forewarning or preparation... I sit and I think why the fuck am I tearing up.. ....I make myself address it and usually come to the conclusion rather quickly... it may be my last.... every day.. every event.. every special thing..it comes down to .. this may be my last... MAKE THE MOST OF IT.
So, I'm signing off, getting the pill so I can calm down, go to sleep and go to work tomorrow and face another really wonderful day, no matter what comes my way.
Peace
So, I've been on chemo holiday for 6 months, it's been good, I guess, scary too, not knowing what's going on in there, watching the markers move ever so slightly up each month, having chemo withdrawal, who knew?? I would have preferred rehab with that Baldwin brother for addiction to some medication or alcohol, although sometimes I think I getting close on the alcohol front.
Last week, I had my 6 month pet scan........ ummmmm .... what to say about that... well, it's a test that's necessary.. I don't particularly like it.. they shoot you up with a radioactive glucose solution.. then Lasix to make you pee.. then put you in a tube for about 30 or 40 minutes.. I'm not sure on the time, I just want the time to go fast because your arms are up over your head and it's kind of uncomfortable for those of us in our 50's , I keep wondering if my arms will be able to come back down after the test, I think I could win the hold your arms up over your head competition in survivor now though... I guess that's a good thing.
This week I see my onco who will review the test results and make a determination if it's time to go back on chemo or stay off it and continue to let my body recover from 2 years of toxic chemicals to kill the cancer.
In the past, I couldn't wait for the results, but now, I've grown more patient.. yes... I"m nutz while waiting, but I prefer to be WITH my physician when I get these kinds of results. Yes I may look like a deer in the headlights and act like that too, but my doc is patient and kind and great and she'll give me moment if the news is not great, fantastic or otherwise wonderful.
Today was a wonderful day of Christmas cookie backing, family around the house, football on the TV (go Giants) and tree decorating. I still marvel at the fact that my son's and my daughter in law come to do this every year... I so love it and them that it makes me feel soooo gooood.
Now, at almost midnight.. I'm sitting here, I think I may need another Xanax to mellow me out to sleep and I look at the tree and smile... when suddenly the dreaded tear comes into my eyes...without forewarning or preparation... I sit and I think why the fuck am I tearing up.. ....I make myself address it and usually come to the conclusion rather quickly... it may be my last.... every day.. every event.. every special thing..it comes down to .. this may be my last... MAKE THE MOST OF IT.
So, I'm signing off, getting the pill so I can calm down, go to sleep and go to work tomorrow and face another really wonderful day, no matter what comes my way.
Peace
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