a hard week

waiting for results.... stressful on everyone.... but mostly stressful on me....why am I in this predicatment.... why do I have daily stress on top of all this shit related to my disease. I can't manage now.... I NEED A BREAK!!!!!

my family

I dont' know where I'd be without my family. They help support me, they see me, they offer to help me and my foundations..... they are soooo good. What would life be like without a husband, sons and daughter in law who treat me so kindly... I'm glad I do not know.
It's been a while since I was diagnosed, but I"m not further into what's going to happen to me than I was when I was first diagnosed. I'm begining to think I really don't care... things will happen or they won't... just let me get through the days, weeks and months and I"ll be happy. I don't think work will be in my future for much longer.... I"m tired... I"m stressed... I have bone and joint pain that's killing me and can't be rectified... I don't tolerate the meds.... something will have to change and I think it will have to change soon.
This evening I spoke to my immediate family about a trip they have been trying to plan for 2011 for quite a few years. Scotland. Maybe London as a start and end place..... It's nice to think about the future and make these kinds of plans... I hope the univers agrees to let me do it.... I really really would love to.
Other than that, started acupuncture this weekend... nice doc, Dr. Insung Park... lovely and gentle man.... he has my long and crazy history.. I want help with depression, anxiety and the pain I have in my joints and bones and muscles. I have felt very relaxed since my first session, he want's to see my twice a week for now... I'll concentrate on how it is effecting me. Got to see and ortho doc about my knees, mostly the left knee... mondo pain in there???? NO injury.... what have I done to deserve this??? I don't think there is an answer... I"m going to start reading about suffering by the great philosophers and see what has been said in the past.
Well, good night and Peace,
Jeanne

A month without Dr.s

So, for the first time since I was diagnosed, I had my first Hackensack University Medical Center visit, without having to see my doctor. Being off chemo, "on holiday" for the last 8 months has certainly been nice..... A month free from a conversation with my doctor, although, i love my doctor and love to see and talk to her...for the first time in so long was very weird, but good. Today, I went in and said.. I don't need to see the doc, or have my vital signs taken, or have a finger stick blood test... all I have to do is get my port flushed! It was nice. I went directly back to the infusion center where the lovely chemo nurses I've become so fond of said hi, where have I been, what's been going on...
My nurse Peggy came to flush me... she forgot some tubes for blood tests, had to go get them.. forgot the scrubber for my port site, went to get that... another nurse who cared for me in the past came and got a tattoo update.. she lives in Kearny somewhere, but I have yet to meet her anywhere.... they checked out my tattoos, did the port flush and I said quite calmly after my dear Peggy forgot all her equipment.. don't worry I'm a nurse, I'm self care..... lots of laughs there... nurses said they missed me, always get a good smile and laugh when I'm there.
Sad note, we talked about my dear Susan the midwife I met at Gilda's who died just before the holidays after ceasing treatment. She fought for so many years to stay alive..many chemos.. many treatments. We had some common areas. She was a nurse, a brilliant nurse midwife... really smart and into women's health... I loved her zest for helping women with no means to manage their female health issues. She worked with the poor. Then we talked about Audrey, who died last summer, she was so helpful, like Susan in helping me through the early stages of my cancer diagnosis. I miss them so much.... the team at HUMC also missed them and we talked about their strength and perseverance through many years of treatment, just to keep them alive... not to cure them.
Sound familiar... it's my story, wrapped into 2 other lives... I hope I beat the odds that have gone before me.....
We wish and we pray everyday.
Peace,

winter chills

I love the winter. I love the cold. I love the wind when it's freezing. I love white blindness on sunny days after the BIG snow. I love watching icicles melt in the sunshine. I love to hear kids playing in the snow. I love thinking about my childhood when the snow was up to my chin. I loved to make tunnels in the snow when I was small. I loved the time we tried to make an igloo, it didn't work, but it was fun. I love the quiet after a big snow storm, no one is out, no cars, sound is stunted by the snow. I love to watch a cardinal flying across the yard when the snow covers everything else. I love coming into the house and getting warmed up with some hot chocolate or some whiskey after being out in the cold.
I love all these things in winter.
But I hate to shovel.
Peace

sleepless

So it's late, I've had a great day.. I had dinner out with friends and good communication and conversation.. so why cant' I sleep now. Jon says it's cuz I sleep till 1 on weekends, but I need that sleep like a human needs water.... now all I want to do is sleep, but it eludes me.. brain won't shut off like it should... even with sleep med.
Took a half more and we'll see what happens.
My brain is disfunctional since before I had cancer where it relates to sleep. Now I"m just screwed when it comes to sleep. My mind is totally in control... I'm not crazy about that.
Peace and sweet dreams to all of you who can sleep well.
Jeanne

sore

So, here I am again... off chemo for like 7+ months and I'm still suffering from these joint pains. I can't take meds like ibuprofen, naproxyn or celebrex, all make the BP go crazy.... Tylenol is just not good for the chemo liver... so here I sit... trying to get so tired I can't keep my eyes open so I can sleep through the discomfort and get some rest.....just played scrabble, 2 games, against a computer... tied one, won one.... beginner status. OH well. Will try again to sleep, got to get up in 5:45 hours.

cancer sucks

Every day I get reminded of how much cancer sucks. Yesterday while I was attending to the needs of my sister who was having her shoulder replaced in NY I looked around the room. People from every direction there to have some sort of orthopedic surgery by the best docs in the country.
When I went to get my car out of the parking lot, a woman who I had seen in the Atrium waiting area with her family approached me and asked about my ribbon tattoo. I told her I had ovarian cancer and that this was teal colored ribbon for ovarian cancer. I showed her the Eye of Protection tattooed above it. She then proceeded to show me her green wrist band and a tattoo of her a rose and her husbands name on her ankle. She said he had kidney cancer and green was the color of the ribbon that represents kidney cancer. As she was getting into her car with her sister or a friend, I asked how her husband was doing.... she replied, "oh, he died. He fought the battle for 10 years, but passed away." I looked at her as only a cancer patient or survivor can, with a look that only comes out with this kind of empathy and told her how sorry I was. She looked so young, maybe late 30s.... probably had some kids... she was driving a big vehicle... I welled up as she drove away.
Cancer sucks, it takes advantage of everyone and holds no prisoners.
Cancer hurts babies, children, young adults, women, men, rich people, poor people, healthy active people who take care of themselves, people who don't take care of themselves, black people, white people, Asian people, Indians from every continent, people in the city or the country or on islands or in deserts, blond haired blue eyed people, dark haired dark eyed people, people with are emotionally strong, people who are emotionally weak, single people, married people, people with kids, fat people, skinny people, people who smoke or don't smoke, the list goes on and on.
It always makes me think of these trucks I see on my lengthy commutes that say either... stay healthy, eat more fish, or stay healthy, eat more chicken.... me thinks that's a lot of bull shit.
Peace