yayayayayaya

Tests good
Crit better
BUN better
Cancer Markers down 42 points
yayayayayayayaya
MOOD MUCH BETTER

It's been a long time

Well, haven't felt the need to do much writing lately.... on chemo holiday... so many good things to do. Eat sushi, get tattoos, eat raw oysters and clams... so good. But all things must come to an end and my chemo holiday ended with a big bang.
Torn medial meniscus
Dented cartilage
kidney failures
New spots on my pet scan
High cancer markers
so again.. cancer What The Fuck.
So, need to get the knee fixed since I walk like a 90 year old.
Can't do that because the kidneys are really acting up and not filtering correctly.
So, need more chemo, but have to be really cautious because of the kidney issues.
2 weeks ago, I had stents placed into both my kidneys... I was zoinked from general anesthesia for a week, now feel like I have a constant bladder infection, that seems to be improving slightly at this point.
I'm on a daily dose of cytoxan now and avastin every 2 weeks.... hopefully that will do something to this cancer.... at least keep it in check. But unfortunately, along with that comes the fatigue and listlessness.
I suppose in the long run, I'm lucky. I still have options, even if they're not the ones I want.
I could have ended up with nephrostomy tubes, that's when they bring the tubes from your kidneys out of your back... really an unappealing thing for me.
Hopefully, the stents will do their job, my kidneys will improve, believe it or not, the cancer drug cytoxan has had a + effect on my knee??? Go figure.
Now's the time to work on the attitude and keep it up... it's not that easy at this point, but I try and think of the + things in my life each morning before rising. That helps me to remain focused on the good things rather than the crap.
This weekend was Jo's daughter's wedding. It was a beautiful event with lots of love and joy all around...had a bit of a hangover, but just like my cousin Mark taught me, you have to honor the hangover, laugh through it.... remember how you got it and just smile and laugh through your stupid moments......
On to happier days ahead, with better control of my health. I'm hoping to take a medical retirement in December, 2010. Maybe then I can do some things that will make my soul feel good along with my body.
Peace.

it's been a long time

So, I was on haliday from chemo for 8 months.... happy months... didnt' write a thing I dont' think... now here I am again.... CA125 102, not good. Kidneys acting all fucked up.... now have stents that are causing me PAIN....... routine meds do nto help the pain if you get my drift..... I"m at a sad place in my treatment. The docs say the stents and pain are individualized in how long the pain can last. HAVE ANY OF YOU HAD A BAD BLADDER INFECTION??? This is like one that won't go away.... total bummer.
They gave my pyridium and Levaquin.... neither helped the pain... I forced fluids, still pain, just when you finishing peeing, like a novice at sexual adventure... it feels like the worst honeymoon cystitis I have ever experienced or any bladder infection for that mater... somebody help me please..... I can only hope this last less time from when i have to have them replaced in 2 to 3 months.... This sucks.
Jeanne

a hard week

waiting for results.... stressful on everyone.... but mostly stressful on me....why am I in this predicatment.... why do I have daily stress on top of all this shit related to my disease. I can't manage now.... I NEED A BREAK!!!!!

my family

I dont' know where I'd be without my family. They help support me, they see me, they offer to help me and my foundations..... they are soooo good. What would life be like without a husband, sons and daughter in law who treat me so kindly... I'm glad I do not know.
It's been a while since I was diagnosed, but I"m not further into what's going to happen to me than I was when I was first diagnosed. I'm begining to think I really don't care... things will happen or they won't... just let me get through the days, weeks and months and I"ll be happy. I don't think work will be in my future for much longer.... I"m tired... I"m stressed... I have bone and joint pain that's killing me and can't be rectified... I don't tolerate the meds.... something will have to change and I think it will have to change soon.
This evening I spoke to my immediate family about a trip they have been trying to plan for 2011 for quite a few years. Scotland. Maybe London as a start and end place..... It's nice to think about the future and make these kinds of plans... I hope the univers agrees to let me do it.... I really really would love to.
Other than that, started acupuncture this weekend... nice doc, Dr. Insung Park... lovely and gentle man.... he has my long and crazy history.. I want help with depression, anxiety and the pain I have in my joints and bones and muscles. I have felt very relaxed since my first session, he want's to see my twice a week for now... I'll concentrate on how it is effecting me. Got to see and ortho doc about my knees, mostly the left knee... mondo pain in there???? NO injury.... what have I done to deserve this??? I don't think there is an answer... I"m going to start reading about suffering by the great philosophers and see what has been said in the past.
Well, good night and Peace,
Jeanne

A month without Dr.s

So, for the first time since I was diagnosed, I had my first Hackensack University Medical Center visit, without having to see my doctor. Being off chemo, "on holiday" for the last 8 months has certainly been nice..... A month free from a conversation with my doctor, although, i love my doctor and love to see and talk to her...for the first time in so long was very weird, but good. Today, I went in and said.. I don't need to see the doc, or have my vital signs taken, or have a finger stick blood test... all I have to do is get my port flushed! It was nice. I went directly back to the infusion center where the lovely chemo nurses I've become so fond of said hi, where have I been, what's been going on...
My nurse Peggy came to flush me... she forgot some tubes for blood tests, had to go get them.. forgot the scrubber for my port site, went to get that... another nurse who cared for me in the past came and got a tattoo update.. she lives in Kearny somewhere, but I have yet to meet her anywhere.... they checked out my tattoos, did the port flush and I said quite calmly after my dear Peggy forgot all her equipment.. don't worry I'm a nurse, I'm self care..... lots of laughs there... nurses said they missed me, always get a good smile and laugh when I'm there.
Sad note, we talked about my dear Susan the midwife I met at Gilda's who died just before the holidays after ceasing treatment. She fought for so many years to stay alive..many chemos.. many treatments. We had some common areas. She was a nurse, a brilliant nurse midwife... really smart and into women's health... I loved her zest for helping women with no means to manage their female health issues. She worked with the poor. Then we talked about Audrey, who died last summer, she was so helpful, like Susan in helping me through the early stages of my cancer diagnosis. I miss them so much.... the team at HUMC also missed them and we talked about their strength and perseverance through many years of treatment, just to keep them alive... not to cure them.
Sound familiar... it's my story, wrapped into 2 other lives... I hope I beat the odds that have gone before me.....
We wish and we pray everyday.
Peace,

winter chills

I love the winter. I love the cold. I love the wind when it's freezing. I love white blindness on sunny days after the BIG snow. I love watching icicles melt in the sunshine. I love to hear kids playing in the snow. I love thinking about my childhood when the snow was up to my chin. I loved to make tunnels in the snow when I was small. I loved the time we tried to make an igloo, it didn't work, but it was fun. I love the quiet after a big snow storm, no one is out, no cars, sound is stunted by the snow. I love to watch a cardinal flying across the yard when the snow covers everything else. I love coming into the house and getting warmed up with some hot chocolate or some whiskey after being out in the cold.
I love all these things in winter.
But I hate to shovel.
Peace