I'm scared
New tests
Abnormal symptoms
Anxiety now
Thursday the facts.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
this is what it is all about
So OK, I"m typing without eyes tonight. I"m gonna reread it and alter to see all the mistakes and try to correct them, but essentially I'm blind. Got no contact's in and can't see a blumming thing.
I"m feeling really stresed out lately and can't figure aout what
hoat exactely what's goin gon,. I anca usually g;iigure out what the stimulus is, but for some reason this is not working out for me this time. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, and I don't know why. I can usually pinpoint the reason for my lack of sleep. The lack of ability to turn my brain off and sleep, but for naught now. I haven't slept for 3 nights in a full capacity and it's making me crazy. I need sleep and when I know what's up I can work through it, but when I don't know what's up, it's impossible to figure what to do.
I"m stifled and at a loss.... don't know what to do. I do know some issues that are troubling me a bit, but not enough to make me crazy.. maybe I need to rethink that.
confused, J
I"m feeling really stresed out lately and can't figure aout what
hoat exactely what's goin gon,. I anca usually g;iigure out what the stimulus is, but for some reason this is not working out for me this time. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, and I don't know why. I can usually pinpoint the reason for my lack of sleep. The lack of ability to turn my brain off and sleep, but for naught now. I haven't slept for 3 nights in a full capacity and it's making me crazy. I need sleep and when I know what's up I can work through it, but when I don't know what's up, it's impossible to figure what to do.
I"m stifled and at a loss.... don't know what to do. I do know some issues that are troubling me a bit, but not enough to make me crazy.. maybe I need to rethink that.
confused, J
Thursday, June 3, 2010
yayayayayaya
Tests good
Crit better
BUN better
Cancer Markers down 42 points
yayayayayayayaya
MOOD MUCH BETTER
Crit better
BUN better
Cancer Markers down 42 points
yayayayayayayaya
MOOD MUCH BETTER
Monday, May 31, 2010
It's been a long time
Well, haven't felt the need to do much writing lately.... on chemo holiday... so many good things to do. Eat sushi, get tattoos, eat raw oysters and clams... so good. But all things must come to an end and my chemo holiday ended with a big bang.
Torn medial meniscus
Dented cartilage
kidney failures
New spots on my pet scan
High cancer markers
so again.. cancer What The Fuck.
So, need to get the knee fixed since I walk like a 90 year old.
Can't do that because the kidneys are really acting up and not filtering correctly.
So, need more chemo, but have to be really cautious because of the kidney issues.
2 weeks ago, I had stents placed into both my kidneys... I was zoinked from general anesthesia for a week, now feel like I have a constant bladder infection, that seems to be improving slightly at this point.
I'm on a daily dose of cytoxan now and avastin every 2 weeks.... hopefully that will do something to this cancer.... at least keep it in check. But unfortunately, along with that comes the fatigue and listlessness.
I suppose in the long run, I'm lucky. I still have options, even if they're not the ones I want.
I could have ended up with nephrostomy tubes, that's when they bring the tubes from your kidneys out of your back... really an unappealing thing for me.
Hopefully, the stents will do their job, my kidneys will improve, believe it or not, the cancer drug cytoxan has had a + effect on my knee??? Go figure.
Now's the time to work on the attitude and keep it up... it's not that easy at this point, but I try and think of the + things in my life each morning before rising. That helps me to remain focused on the good things rather than the crap.
This weekend was Jo's daughter's wedding. It was a beautiful event with lots of love and joy all around...had a bit of a hangover, but just like my cousin Mark taught me, you have to honor the hangover, laugh through it.... remember how you got it and just smile and laugh through your stupid moments......
On to happier days ahead, with better control of my health. I'm hoping to take a medical retirement in December, 2010. Maybe then I can do some things that will make my soul feel good along with my body.
Peace.
Torn medial meniscus
Dented cartilage
kidney failures
New spots on my pet scan
High cancer markers
so again.. cancer What The Fuck.
So, need to get the knee fixed since I walk like a 90 year old.
Can't do that because the kidneys are really acting up and not filtering correctly.
So, need more chemo, but have to be really cautious because of the kidney issues.
2 weeks ago, I had stents placed into both my kidneys... I was zoinked from general anesthesia for a week, now feel like I have a constant bladder infection, that seems to be improving slightly at this point.
I'm on a daily dose of cytoxan now and avastin every 2 weeks.... hopefully that will do something to this cancer.... at least keep it in check. But unfortunately, along with that comes the fatigue and listlessness.
I suppose in the long run, I'm lucky. I still have options, even if they're not the ones I want.
I could have ended up with nephrostomy tubes, that's when they bring the tubes from your kidneys out of your back... really an unappealing thing for me.
Hopefully, the stents will do their job, my kidneys will improve, believe it or not, the cancer drug cytoxan has had a + effect on my knee??? Go figure.
Now's the time to work on the attitude and keep it up... it's not that easy at this point, but I try and think of the + things in my life each morning before rising. That helps me to remain focused on the good things rather than the crap.
This weekend was Jo's daughter's wedding. It was a beautiful event with lots of love and joy all around...had a bit of a hangover, but just like my cousin Mark taught me, you have to honor the hangover, laugh through it.... remember how you got it and just smile and laugh through your stupid moments......
On to happier days ahead, with better control of my health. I'm hoping to take a medical retirement in December, 2010. Maybe then I can do some things that will make my soul feel good along with my body.
Peace.
Monday, May 24, 2010
it's been a long time
So, I was on haliday from chemo for 8 months.... happy months... didnt' write a thing I dont' think... now here I am again.... CA125 102, not good. Kidneys acting all fucked up.... now have stents that are causing me PAIN....... routine meds do nto help the pain if you get my drift..... I"m at a sad place in my treatment. The docs say the stents and pain are individualized in how long the pain can last. HAVE ANY OF YOU HAD A BAD BLADDER INFECTION??? This is like one that won't go away.... total bummer.
They gave my pyridium and Levaquin.... neither helped the pain... I forced fluids, still pain, just when you finishing peeing, like a novice at sexual adventure... it feels like the worst honeymoon cystitis I have ever experienced or any bladder infection for that mater... somebody help me please..... I can only hope this last less time from when i have to have them replaced in 2 to 3 months.... This sucks.
Jeanne
They gave my pyridium and Levaquin.... neither helped the pain... I forced fluids, still pain, just when you finishing peeing, like a novice at sexual adventure... it feels like the worst honeymoon cystitis I have ever experienced or any bladder infection for that mater... somebody help me please..... I can only hope this last less time from when i have to have them replaced in 2 to 3 months.... This sucks.
Jeanne
Friday, April 16, 2010
a hard week
waiting for results.... stressful on everyone.... but mostly stressful on me....why am I in this predicatment.... why do I have daily stress on top of all this shit related to my disease. I can't manage now.... I NEED A BREAK!!!!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
my family
I dont' know where I'd be without my family. They help support me, they see me, they offer to help me and my foundations..... they are soooo good. What would life be like without a husband, sons and daughter in law who treat me so kindly... I'm glad I do not know.
It's been a while since I was diagnosed, but I"m not further into what's going to happen to me than I was when I was first diagnosed. I'm begining to think I really don't care... things will happen or they won't... just let me get through the days, weeks and months and I"ll be happy. I don't think work will be in my future for much longer.... I"m tired... I"m stressed... I have bone and joint pain that's killing me and can't be rectified... I don't tolerate the meds.... something will have to change and I think it will have to change soon.
This evening I spoke to my immediate family about a trip they have been trying to plan for 2011 for quite a few years. Scotland. Maybe London as a start and end place..... It's nice to think about the future and make these kinds of plans... I hope the univers agrees to let me do it.... I really really would love to.
Other than that, started acupuncture this weekend... nice doc, Dr. Insung Park... lovely and gentle man.... he has my long and crazy history.. I want help with depression, anxiety and the pain I have in my joints and bones and muscles. I have felt very relaxed since my first session, he want's to see my twice a week for now... I'll concentrate on how it is effecting me. Got to see and ortho doc about my knees, mostly the left knee... mondo pain in there???? NO injury.... what have I done to deserve this??? I don't think there is an answer... I"m going to start reading about suffering by the great philosophers and see what has been said in the past.
Well, good night and Peace,
Jeanne
It's been a while since I was diagnosed, but I"m not further into what's going to happen to me than I was when I was first diagnosed. I'm begining to think I really don't care... things will happen or they won't... just let me get through the days, weeks and months and I"ll be happy. I don't think work will be in my future for much longer.... I"m tired... I"m stressed... I have bone and joint pain that's killing me and can't be rectified... I don't tolerate the meds.... something will have to change and I think it will have to change soon.
This evening I spoke to my immediate family about a trip they have been trying to plan for 2011 for quite a few years. Scotland. Maybe London as a start and end place..... It's nice to think about the future and make these kinds of plans... I hope the univers agrees to let me do it.... I really really would love to.
Other than that, started acupuncture this weekend... nice doc, Dr. Insung Park... lovely and gentle man.... he has my long and crazy history.. I want help with depression, anxiety and the pain I have in my joints and bones and muscles. I have felt very relaxed since my first session, he want's to see my twice a week for now... I'll concentrate on how it is effecting me. Got to see and ortho doc about my knees, mostly the left knee... mondo pain in there???? NO injury.... what have I done to deserve this??? I don't think there is an answer... I"m going to start reading about suffering by the great philosophers and see what has been said in the past.
Well, good night and Peace,
Jeanne
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