so sick of bitching

I've kept from this blog lately because I'm sick and tired of only having crap news to write. But today was so crappy, I feel the need to document.
My story continues. I'm on chemo lite, Cytoxan oral every day and Avastin IV every 2 weeks. Although my current scans show increase in some of the cancer areas, it also shows some decrease in some of the areas where the cancer still exists. I have symptoms in my belly which indicate to me, that something is not right. Bowel changes, gas pains (never had these before), hiccups, burping, some sort of discomfort on my right upper quadrant and my mid upper quadrant that bother me.. a bit to close to some important organs, like the liver, pancreas, Gall bladder and my diaphragm.....
So I go on with my chemo lite as prescribed. Chemo regular has wreaked havoc on my body, took out my BP first, my skin second, my kidneys third (although this is really from the cancer), my energy ongoing, I have pain in my left knee from 2 cartilage injuries related to chemo, I have migratory joint pain from inflammation in my joints, on and on, .... but I struggle on through.
I still work full time... till Dec. 1, 2010 which is my first day on Medical retirement... I so wanted to make it to 25 years, but I'll miss that by 16 months... oh well, the docs say my stress and hours put out daily on the job are just too much ( between 11 and 13 hours a day and a 120 mile commute). So last week I heard that one my co-workers in what we call the cancer club... we have breast, ovarian, prostate, esophageal, more breast, another esophageal, bladder, peritoneal, cholangio, colon, more breast and most recently thyroid.
Today, I called my co-worker who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and just recently restarted on chemo... after being very ill from the chemo, she went to her MD... she also somehow developed a swollen foot. When the doc saw the foot they x-rayed it. Found 5 stress fractures. They think it's from all the synthroid medication she's been on. So now she's in a cast and cannot bear weight. Today, after more tests, she discovered that her cancer has spread to more lymph nodes, including the back of her neck and they restaged her as a stage 4......no one should ever have to hear that news, especially after being told about 5 months ago, she was cancer free on scans.
The world is not fair, there is no answer when you look for some reason these things happen to you. People talk about fate, about God's plan... I can't think in those terms. Life is a struggle, from the minute you jump out of the womb and take your first breaths, when you try and speak, when you try and walk, when you try and learn and when you try to stay in shape. When you try and find a mate, when you try to deal with young person angst and drama, when you get married and try to live with someone, when you have children or not for some who want them, when kids or spouses are sick, when parents age and need help, when they die, when family members make poor choices, when you get sick.
The struggle is life.... there's no way out of it.... you need to learn how to deal with the struggles to the best of your abilities. That's all you can do.

I'm scared

I'm scared
New tests
Abnormal symptoms
Anxiety now
Thursday the facts.

this is what it is all about

So OK, I"m typing without eyes tonight. I"m gonna reread it and alter to see all the mistakes and try to correct them, but essentially I'm blind. Got no contact's in and can't see a blumming thing.
I"m feeling really stresed out lately and can't figure aout what
hoat exactely what's goin gon,. I anca usually g;iigure out what the stimulus is, but for some reason this is not working out for me this time. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, and I don't know why. I can usually pinpoint the reason for my lack of sleep. The lack of ability to turn my brain off and sleep, but for naught now. I haven't slept for 3 nights in a full capacity and it's making me crazy. I need sleep and when I know what's up I can work through it, but when I don't know what's up, it's impossible to figure what to do.
I"m stifled and at a loss.... don't know what to do. I do know some issues that are troubling me a bit, but not enough to make me crazy.. maybe I need to rethink that.
confused, J

yayayayayaya

Tests good
Crit better
BUN better
Cancer Markers down 42 points
yayayayayayayaya
MOOD MUCH BETTER

It's been a long time

Well, haven't felt the need to do much writing lately.... on chemo holiday... so many good things to do. Eat sushi, get tattoos, eat raw oysters and clams... so good. But all things must come to an end and my chemo holiday ended with a big bang.
Torn medial meniscus
Dented cartilage
kidney failures
New spots on my pet scan
High cancer markers
so again.. cancer What The Fuck.
So, need to get the knee fixed since I walk like a 90 year old.
Can't do that because the kidneys are really acting up and not filtering correctly.
So, need more chemo, but have to be really cautious because of the kidney issues.
2 weeks ago, I had stents placed into both my kidneys... I was zoinked from general anesthesia for a week, now feel like I have a constant bladder infection, that seems to be improving slightly at this point.
I'm on a daily dose of cytoxan now and avastin every 2 weeks.... hopefully that will do something to this cancer.... at least keep it in check. But unfortunately, along with that comes the fatigue and listlessness.
I suppose in the long run, I'm lucky. I still have options, even if they're not the ones I want.
I could have ended up with nephrostomy tubes, that's when they bring the tubes from your kidneys out of your back... really an unappealing thing for me.
Hopefully, the stents will do their job, my kidneys will improve, believe it or not, the cancer drug cytoxan has had a + effect on my knee??? Go figure.
Now's the time to work on the attitude and keep it up... it's not that easy at this point, but I try and think of the + things in my life each morning before rising. That helps me to remain focused on the good things rather than the crap.
This weekend was Jo's daughter's wedding. It was a beautiful event with lots of love and joy all around...had a bit of a hangover, but just like my cousin Mark taught me, you have to honor the hangover, laugh through it.... remember how you got it and just smile and laugh through your stupid moments......
On to happier days ahead, with better control of my health. I'm hoping to take a medical retirement in December, 2010. Maybe then I can do some things that will make my soul feel good along with my body.
Peace.

it's been a long time

So, I was on haliday from chemo for 8 months.... happy months... didnt' write a thing I dont' think... now here I am again.... CA125 102, not good. Kidneys acting all fucked up.... now have stents that are causing me PAIN....... routine meds do nto help the pain if you get my drift..... I"m at a sad place in my treatment. The docs say the stents and pain are individualized in how long the pain can last. HAVE ANY OF YOU HAD A BAD BLADDER INFECTION??? This is like one that won't go away.... total bummer.
They gave my pyridium and Levaquin.... neither helped the pain... I forced fluids, still pain, just when you finishing peeing, like a novice at sexual adventure... it feels like the worst honeymoon cystitis I have ever experienced or any bladder infection for that mater... somebody help me please..... I can only hope this last less time from when i have to have them replaced in 2 to 3 months.... This sucks.
Jeanne

a hard week

waiting for results.... stressful on everyone.... but mostly stressful on me....why am I in this predicatment.... why do I have daily stress on top of all this shit related to my disease. I can't manage now.... I NEED A BREAK!!!!!